Music Was My Life

05/04/24

Since January, when EH left, I’ve felt no resonance whatsoever with music.

This is astounding. Music has been a major part of my life for as long as I can remember.

As a young child I have dreadful memories of mother’s husband, crashing out his versions of Dylan songs, on an out of tune piano, at an insane volume, on Sunday mornings.

I like Dylan well enough, just not Rassgat’s ‘play alongs’.

I was introduced to classical music as it played on the radio while mother kneaded bread, or made jam, or some other domestic, kitchen based chore.

Subsequent to Lena’s acquisition of a tiny, tinny, transistor radio, I was able to listen to the pop charts with her, sitting up, top-to-tail in her bed, singing along to Abba (her favourites).

I was quite enchanted by the likes of Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel, Queen… and country music.

Eventually I was old enough to be gifted my own little radio, but this one had a cassette recorder too – I could make my own mix tapes!

I know I sound like a nostalgic old fart when I say this, and it would be hard to convey to those who can do it with ease now, but back then there was real excitement in being able to create your own playlist.

It was mostly done on a Sunday evening, when the Top 40 was on Radio 1. I’d sit there, on my bedroom floor, a new tape slotted into the machine, fingers poised over the two buttons that when pressed, hard, would start the recording process.

There was a real skill in knowing when to set it going, without catching any of the DJ’s chatter; equally, knowing when to cut off before they began yapping at the end.

I started secretly listening to my radio, under the covers, after lights out, and so discovered John Peel and the amazing variety of music he promoted.

I also discovered Radio Luxembourg, which made me feel like I was a member of a very cool club. I wrote to the DJ Mike Hollis once, and received a mention on the radio, and also a signed photo, a keyring and, I think, a pen in the post. A big moment in my pre-pubescent life.

It was also around this time that I discovered David Bowie, originally through the Let’s Dance album being played on Radio 1. I very quickly found other, earlier tracks, then albums, and I was hooked. Lifelong fan. If you were to make a film of my life, Bowie’s music could easily be the whole soundtrack.

My musical tastes are wide ranging, but if I was guaranteed to listen to any particular music, it would be Bowie.

I just don’t want to hear music.

How sad is that?

I know that part of the problem is music triggers so many memories of my marriage to EH, many of them not great, but some of them happy or poignant. Either way, it just ends in sadness and/or tears.

It’s easier to just not have music on.

There’s not much choice when I’m at work as the radio is on for customers. Luckily it’s kept at a low level, and unless I’m working in very specific areas, I can’t hear it. However, sometimes I have to work in those areas, and the songs are driving me demented.

Firstly, I’m very much a lyrics person. I can like the tune, but for a track to really get under my skin, I generally need to feel moved in some way by the lyrics. The pap being played on the radio at work is just so much unhealthy bullshit – I can’t live without you; please don’t leave me; I’ll do anything for you if you’ll stay; I’m heartbroken because they cheated but I want them back; he’s a monster but I love him; people want take take her but I’m keeping her – what the fuck?!

Yep, I know, there’s some stuff I’ve been thinking and feeling in amongst that, but I recognise it’s unhealthy, hence all the self-therapy stuff. I don’t think it’s a great idea to have that version of ‘love’ pumping through the ears, and into the minds, of young, impressionable people.

I’ll climb down off that particular hobby horse now.

The second issue I have with the work radio is that the chosen station has certain tracks that they absolutely play to death. Due to sheer repetition, songs that I once could tune out, now drill through my skull and grate my brain to shreds.

I might have to pull my ears off.

I miss enjoying music, but when I’m at home, filling the silence, it’s conversational, talking voices I’m craving.

It’s good stuff I’m listening to, lots of therapy and guidance, but I do want to feel loose, and free, and comfortable enough in my skin, to dance in the kitchen again.

I’m assuming the passion will come back at some point.

I mean, it has to, I can’t countenance a music free life.

I hope it’s soon.

JP