I’m So Glad He Left

16/11/24

This is a tale of two halves, with two aspects of myself duelling for dominance.

My first thought on waking today was, “I’m so glad he left“. It was unbelievably refreshing after several days of feeling quite gloomy, and lonely.

But there the thought was, calmly sitting there, waiting for me to wake up and notice it. It was quietly decisive.

I pondered it while I got ready for work, on the walk to work, and on my way home again. I was mainly pondering how different my thinking felt – how clear everything suddenly seemed.

I’m pretty sure that’s been assisted by the psilocybin usage – the clarity and easing of the hot anger feel like tangible proof that the deep work I set out to do is starting to bed in.

I also spent some time thinking about the gladness, the gratitude I was feeling about EH’s absence from my life.

There have been times along this journey, where I’ve noticed how my life’s improved in some way due to him leaving, and have wanted to express it to him.

Apart from the one notable exception, I’ve mainly resisted that urge, recognising the spiteful base to it.

I’m never going to say any of the current gratitudes directly to him, ever, for a multitude of reasons.

Not least of these is that even when I’ve reach full “Meh“, and would be offering the sentiment in a genuine, if detached way, EH would never be able to see it as anything other than a spite based attack on his very being.

The fundamental reason though is that I don’t need to.

I don’t need him to know how far I’ve come with my healing.

I don’t need him to see me blossom.

I don’t need or want to share any aspect of my life with him, including my gratitudes.

I don’t want him to see what he’s missing and wish he was with me.

It seems to me that being able to feel so grateful for my freedom and independence, represents healing beyond measure when compared to where I was at when I first came across the growth promoting article about love addiction.

It feels like being glad for his absence from my life is a big step in the transition between what I was then, and who I’m becoming.

However, while I won’t tell EH how I’m feeling, I do want to express the gratitude somewhere. Obviously that expression of gratitude is going to be here.

So buckle up, here we go:

1. I’m glad to no longer have contact with his abusive family who repeatedly stole from me, lied about me, physically assaulted me, emotionally bullied me, commandeered my home, and generally made my life less than it had been before meeting them.
2. I’m glad to be away from EH, who at best permitted their behaviour without objection, at worst encouraged and participated in the abuse, part of which was to blame me for all of it.
3. I’m glad to be free from the constant anxiety, and self-suppression that resulted from being with him. It’s wonderful to be able to take time to enjoy nature, or dance in my kitchen, or just stop, breathe and relish a moment.
4. I’m glad that he continues to show me exactly who and what he is. This constantly strengthens my resolve, and increases my happiness that he ain’t my problem any more.
5. I’m happy and relieved to not be the one who’s going to be trapped in the confines of that narrowboat with him. Truly. Not in a mean way. Not wishing ill on him or her as they go gallivanting. I mean it. I’m just so honestly, damned glad he left before I’d talked myself into actually doing it with him.
6. I’m glad to be finding myself again, to feel my confidence growing, to hear myself becoming more outgoing again, to see my appearance improving as the tension of two decades leaves my face and body. I’ve been told by two neighbours, on two completely separate occasions, that it’s been a long time since I’ve been Me, and that it’s lovely to have me back. How flipping fabulous is that?
7. I’m glad, that after 20 years of waiting for EH to want to create a comfortable home together, I’m now free to get on with it, expressing myself as I see fit. I’ve achieved more in the last six months than was done in the entirety of the previous 20 years. It makes me proud to be ‘a woman who can’, and the results I’m achieving fill me with joy.
8. I’m grateful that I now have the opportunity to explore the life I really want to live; to have joy, and freedom, and a peaceful soul. I could never have had those things within the marriage, but I’m not sure I’d have faced those truths had EH not left.

So, I am grateful to EH because he left.

I wish him luck in his ventures. Maybe he will find what he’s looking for. All the best to him.

I have no feelings of jealousy around his new partner. I’ve thought about it really hard – visualised them together in a bazillion different scenarios – and I’m either wryly amused or entirely unaffected. If anything, I feel a bit sorry for her – she knows not what she does.

I’ve also thought a lot about the fact that he’s doing things with her that he and I had previously talked about doing together.

Although it stung a bit when I first heard about some of the travels, bottom line is, doing those things with him wouldn’t have made me happy. I’m not entirely sure they’ll make him happy, but that’s not my concern.

Some of those things I talked about with EH, that he’s now done, or will soon be doing, are things I’d still like to do.

I’m supremely glad I’m now in a space where I can look forward to doing them by myself, with happy excitement.

So much better than feeling anxiety at the prospect of doing them with him, sorrow that he did them without me, or now only having the experiences as tarnished memories.

I’m also pleased and relieved that today, along with that first thought of the day, came the realisation that something inside me has shifted – the hot anger towards him has eased.

That’s not to say there’s not still a huge amount of ‘You can fuck right off‘ in my feelings towards him, but it’s not a constantly simmering, active anger.

I’m not denying that I do still experience bubbles of impotent fury about injustices that EH inflicted on me, but never took ownership of, or responsibility for.

Mostly though, I’d call it a healthy, perfectly justified amount of righteous outrage at the way he treated me, and would like to continue to treat me, even having left me, if I permitted it.

It’s what helps make it clear to me where my boundaries with him should be being erected.

I think I might be nearing that pinnacle of detachment and healing; I think I’ve almost reached ‘Meh‘.

I’m getting there by letting go, with love.

With love for myself.

Because if I hadn’t turned that love away from him and towards myself, I wouldn’t have had the courage to do the healing, that lead to the growth, that resulted in the gratitude.

I’m being sensibly cautious about this upswing.

In the past I’ve been side-swiped by unexpectedly difficult emotions, that come out of nowhere, often after significant, positive forward movement. And I haven’t had those final divorce papers yet. So…

However, the other side of the sensible caution, is cautious optimism.

It feels, deep inside, in the part of me that has always, up until now, felt bad and dirty and rotten – in that part of me, I feel better, more sure and determined, if a little new-born-foal-wobbly and fragile.

It doesn’t feel fully cleansed, but it feels a lot less putrid than has been the norm until recently.

As I indicated earlier, it was very refreshing to not have Other Jess in charge of first thought of the day. She’s been awfully voluble and resentful recently.

Truth be told, she’s been taking charge of thoughts quite a lot over the last few days, which has been making me pretty emotionally low.

In fact, there’s been an odd battle going on inside me: there’s Other Jess, who’s constantly flipping through reels of memories that resurrect pain, and regularly provoke rage.

On the other hand, there’s the fledgling new me, straining to be free of bonds to the past, wanting to emerge with wings, to fly, to soar. That part wants to be enjoying the evolution.

I’m still struggling with even doing full visualisations of walking away from Other Jess, leaving her alone at the roadside. It feels like inflicting another abandonment on her.

And anyway, she’s been my identity for so long, without her, who am I?

But I continue to work with it, and to believe I’ll find a way to fully release her stuff.

Once that reluctance has been resolved, and the past traumas are healed, I’ll be well on the way to training my neural pathways into new, healthy patterns of instinctive behaviour.

I think today’s resounding positive vibe suggests I’ve already made some significant headway.

I’m really excited to have no idea what the next chapter is going to be.

I just need to persuade Other Jess to let me take the wheel, fully and permanently, so that I can be in charge of direction.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Die To Live – Volbeat

JP