Rotten To The Core?

07/04/24

Today is another drowning day. 

I look at the past – the shitty, abusive childhood, time as a lonely homeless teenager, relationships where I was beaten and crushed, a years’ long custody battle for my son (Kieran), the death of my second child (Poppy)…

Time and again clawing my way through the pain, hauling myself forward believing there could be a better future. 

What was the point? 

It’s pain cycle after pain cycle, and the common factor in all of it is me. 

I’ve always assumed/accepted that something I do brings these circumstances on. That I deserve it, I cause it.

Every time I find myself back in the down cycle, it’s hard not to feel I’ve been fooling myself thinking I can change anything.

Y’know, maybe the parents and all those others were right. Maybe I am bad, unlovable and rotten to the core. 

And if that’s true what’s the point in keeping on fighting for better? 

However, what if it’s not true? 

What if I only think it’s true because I was told it so often?  Then what? 

How do I believe something different when I’ve carried their truth for so long? 

I want to clear this crap out of me once and for all, for me. 

I’m sick of carrying it all around. 

I wish I had the faintest fucking idea how. 

I wish I could afford therapy. 

JP