If you ‘feel’ like you raped your partner, you almost certainly did.

26/06/24

^{TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of marital rape}.

^{DISCLAIMER: The contents of this post should NOT be taken as any form of advice or guidance; it is merely an account of a personal exploration. Any actions taken by others in relation to the contents of this post are entirely their own responsibility. Consideration should always be given to personal circumstances, including physical and mental health status, and the law in one’s own country.}

When undergoing therapy, whether within the traditional ‘sitting with a professional’ arena, or through using substances like psilocybin, you will have to face difficult and uncomfortable issues.

That’s kinda the point of therapy, isn’t it?!

Amongst the shit from my past that I was already fully aware needed resolving, another incident has resurfaced. It happened while I was with the EH. Suddenly, I’m seeing it through a different lens.

I have no therapist to talk this through with. My friends would listen, then get furious on my behalf. Make no mistake, I love them for that, but I have enough rage of my own. What I need is to let it out and let it go.

So here it is:

EH and I had ‘words’ and I went to bed early, alone. He stayed downstairs, or went out, I can’t remember that part exactly.

At some point, he came into the bedroom, got undressed, clambered into bed, rolled me over, climbed on top and proceeded to have sex with me. All without saying a single word.

No kisses, no sorrys, no cuddles and caresses. Just roll-on-roll-off sex.

I was silently crying.

He got back out of bed, turned on the lamp and started to dress. Still without saying a word.

I was still silently crying.

He looked down at me, saw my face and scornfully said, “What the fuck are you crying for?“

“You make me feel like any hole’s the goal“, I said. Not shouting. Distraught.

I was expecting some kind of remorse, or offer of comfort. I was immediately disappointed.

“What the fuck?!“, he exploded, “You’re making me feel like I raped you or something! How the fuck do you think that makes me feel?!“

And with that, he stormed out of the house.

It will come as no surprise to anyone paying the vaguest attention to this journey of mine, that when he came back I apologised for making him feel bad.

He brought this incident up several times throughout our marriage, even right at the very end, and every time it was a stick to beat me with – that terrible thing I’d said. The devastation he’d felt.

My apologies couldn’t have been more grovelling.

But there was always a part, deep inside, that felt hurt that my pain wasn’t considered relevant. I couldn’t quite get a handle on it, I just had a feeling of unease and discomfort when I was saying sorry.

I’ve got a handle on it now.

This was marital rape.

What I’m finding most difficult in the ‘letting go’ process is that I can’t withdraw those prior apologies. I can’t set the record straight.

Actually, that applies to far too many incidents from my marriage.

The thing is, I know that it’s impossible to set the record straight with a man who failed to see my point of view for 20+ years, but I want to…

I want to go back over the texts we exchanged within the first few months of him leaving and change ALL my responses.

I won’t, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing I could.

I don’t think it’s even about trying to change his mind or views; it’s more so that my last words on these matters are not “I’m so sorry…“

Or if the words “I’m so sorry…” were there, they should have continued with: “…I didn’t leave you right then. I should have done. You did not deserve to be with me.”

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

‘K – where’s the rainbow?

• I’ve realised now: better late than never.
• I’d recognise such behaviour in the future, end the relationship, and take immediate action to safeguard myself.

Having sat and thought a bit, I do feel a little better just from saying this ‘out loud’.

Hopefully, as has been the case in the past, putting this on paper will start the process of expunging it.

I’m going to end this with a very important

Public Service Announcement:

If you have sex with your partner and they are left in tears, they are not in the wrong.

If you ever find the words, “You make me feel like I raped you” coming out of your mouth, you’d better stop immediately.

Get down on your fucking knees and beg forgiveness.

If that forgiveness doesn’t come, that’s your own fucking fault for raping your partner. NOT your partner’s fault for making you ‘feel’ like that. YOUR FAULT for being a rapist.

Everyone deserves to be respected, particularly within an intimate relationship. Kindness, compassion, consideration – these are unequivocal rights.

Never, ever again will I settle for less.

None of us should.

JP