I See Your True Colours

03/05/24

Currently sitting in my driveway, awaiting collection, are a sofa and an armchair that I’ve always hated.

Reasons for this hatred:

1. They were hand-me-downs from EH’s sister, which made me feel like the poor relation. This was entirely unnecessary. We could have easily afforded to buy our own, but the EH was too tight.
2. They were black. The cat is mainly white. ‘Nuff said.
3. They were too big for the room.
4. Latterly, the sofa in particular had become a symbol of the shittiness of the marriage. It was where EH sprawled, facing away from me, not speaking to me unless to be mean or derogatory, scrolling on his phone, pumping anger into the atmosphere.

Cathartic doesn’t even come close to describing the experience of dragging them out of my house. I shall be extremely glad when I no longer have to lay eyes on them.

Given that I’m in the throes of taking back full, sole ownership of my home space, it’s not at all surprising that the hated sofa and chair are destined for the tip.

What did cause surprise was receiving a text from EH, asking what I was doing with the stuff on the drive – was I going to re-cover it?

Umm, how did he know, and how is it any of his business? Probable answer: Sharon

I opted to leave that to one side, and simply replied no, I just want to be rid of it.

He got weird about it and started suggesting it made him sad, and that he might have regrets about leaving.

Apparently it bothers him when he sees I’m moving on and clearing him out. 

I have to say, I’m glad if it bothers him. It seems just and fair that he should have to process difficult and unexpected emotions too.

He doesn’t want me, and he says he doesn’t want me to want him. However, as soon as he sees that I’m making changes, he starts up with the “I might have made a mistake” bullshit.

It’s as if he just wants to keep me stuck in the same, awful, space I was in before he left.

It’s not going to work. 

Even though it causes negative emotions for me, there’s an odd positive to EH continuing to behave the way he always has. Every time he does stuff like this, he confirms the truths that I’ve been realising about him and our marriage.

Every time he demonstrates his need to control, it reaffirms how much better off I am without him in my life.

I’m not going to lie, the addicted side of me still rears its ugly head at times like this, trying to suggest that maybe he will change, and maybe he might genuinely regret leaving.

I now know what that chatter is all about, and with a little conscious effort, I can shut it down.

On the whole, these interactions help me to fully see the person who, to be fair, spent 20 years showing me who he actually is. I was just to screwed up to accept it then.

Now, I can see it and believe it.

 Good progress Jess!

JP