Controlled Communication

11/04/24

Continuing with the fearless facing of past self, I’m understanding two particular aspects of my behaviour for the first time. 

1. A communication issue.

When EH started to say we’d grown apart and wanted different things, I would always immediately jump in to say it wasn’t so.

What I should have done is ask him to explain his thinking. What was it that he wanted, and what it was he thought I wanted?

I can almost guarantee that what he thought I desired was not what I actually wanted.

But, instead of asking what he thought, I leaped to instantly tell him he was wrong. “No, no, we hadn’t grown apart at all – we did want the same things. We’d talked about them, hadn’t we?“

Not asking for further clarification is a big communication mistake that I’ve repeated countless times over the years, with numerous people, in all forms of relationships.

A few probing questions could have avoided a whole lot of upset and discord.

It’s not nice. No one wants to feel they’re always being told they’re wrong, particularly about their own feelings. 

I’m starting to recognise that the motivating factor for my behaviour in this regard is the need for approval.

I know that’s a bit odd sounding, when I’m the one telling someone they are wrong. But you see, when I do this, I’m invariably jumping in to try to amend their perception of me.

As already indicated, what I should be doing in such circumstances, is focussing on whatever issue is being raised. I should be asking the other person questions that might reveal their motivation, and basis for saying what they have.

I shouldn’t be making assumptions based on my own shitty (but improving) self-image, and fear of abandonment/rejection.

I also, most definitely, should not be spending any time or energy trying to persuade people that I can be good enough for them if they’d just not leave.

2. A control issue.

I’ll hold my hands up – during the latter part of the marriage I wanted everything in the house to be done a particular way, my way, even if that meant I had to do everything.

I needed my external environment to be extra tidy, clean and organised, because my internal environment was chaos.

It got increasingly out of hand in direct correlation to EH’s emotional withdrawal from me.  As the somewhat unacknowledged panic of potential loss increased, so did the need to clamp down and control what little I could.

This is highlighted by my far more relaxed attitude about housework these days, and the distinct lack of irritation felt towards my housemate when he occasionally puts something away in the wrong cupboard, or leaves coffee granules spilled on the worktop.

Note, this controliness was strictly limited to the house, and the cleanliness and tidiness within.

In regards to EH’s persistent depiction of me as trying to control all aspects of his life – I now recognise that as the gaslighting it was.

I controlled none of his time or choices.

I rarely even asked him to forgo doing something he wanted to.

I never pushed him participate in something he was reluctant to. I’d quickly learned it was a pointless exercise – if he did something he didn’t want to, he made damned sure you knew about it, and therefore the event was inevitably spoiled.

I most definitely was not demanding, or manipulating, of EH’s time.

This portrayal of me as a control freak was just a convenient way for him to justify his numerous, almost exclusively selfish, solo activities.

He told himself, and me, that he was just fighting against me controlling his whole life, to have just a little independence.

I believed him for far too long.

This picture also ensured that whenever he asked if I ‘minded’ him doing whatever by himself, I was of course, going to say it was fine. I felt if I said I did mind, I’d be accused of being the control freak bitch wife.

Little anecdote here: the guys at EH’s workplace told him how lucky he was to enjoy so much selfish free time. They’d agreed he was really lucky to have me, not complaining about it, or making him go shopping on a Saturday.

He came home absolutely raging to me about this, completely oblivious that his fury was offensive and hurtful to me.

His stated reasons for being so angry at being described as ‘lucky’ was that he was entitled to make his own choices. There was nothing to be grateful to me for. There was no luck involved.

I now think the real reason behind his fury was that his colleagues’ envy of his freedom to engage in individual pursuits punctured his self-pretence that I was controlling him. Momentarily he was forced to see his own, true, mean, selfishness.

Anyway, coming back to the point, and the things I’m learning….

The problem with the tighter control approach to insecurity, is that the tighter you try to clamp things down, the more frightening even tiny ‘out of control’ things become.

And, of course, it’s very stressful trying to keep everything in line.

In my ideal world I’ll heal enough, believe enough in my own self-worth, that those loss based fears will no longer exist at all. Then that control thing can’t get triggered.

However, should I turn out to be a human, who occasionally has doubts and worries (imagine!), I want to be able to talk honestly about my insecurities. I look to a future where it’s safe to be vulnerable because in that future, I’ll only allow relationships that permit my wellbeing.

Actually, make that last sentence – “…promote my wellbeing.”

With healthy boundaries in place, I won’t be wanting people to stay in my life if they don’t enjoy being with me.

Healthy boundaries will stop me letting people stay in my life if their treatment of me seeks to undermine any of what I’m working towards right now.

So, as I said at the start, I’m understanding these two aspects of myself much better.

These are good realisations, but the value only truly comes when I take action.

So, here’s the actions I’ve taken so far:

• I’m putting ‘ask, don’t tell’ into practice in my daily interactions. I’ve been consciously trying for a few days; quite frankly, I’m finding it quite horrifying how frequently I catch myself doing the ‘telling’ instead. Clearly an area for much focus.

• I’ve changed my externally inflicted self-perception; I’m not a control freak. I’m quite relaxed about people doing their own thing. I like my own space and utterly get others needing theirs. I don’t involve myself unasked in others’ careers, sartorial choices, hobbies or any other factor. I wouldn’t want the responsibility of controlling another life – it’s tough enough dealing with my own!

• I’ve accepted that I am a control enthusiast. I know life is full of unpredictability, but where I can, I like to have some control over my personal sphere. I like to not be in chaos, to have a plan (it can be changed, but some kind of plan is always good), to have a sense of stability, and a tidy(ish) home – and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with any of that.

• It’s critical, for my ongoing mental wellbeing, that I keep an eye on the above mentioned enthusiasm. If it starts to become too evangelical, it’s a sign that something else, probably emotional, is really what I’m trying to control and/or avoid. If you spot that shit Jess, stop and look at it. Properly. With courage.

Still keeping The Vow firmly front and centre.

Still got too fucking far to go but grateful for the glimmers of improvement.

Still exhausted.

JP