I Do Want More

09/04/24

For some time I was scared to fully acknowledge how little I was getting from the marriage, because then I’d have to fully accept that it was better over.   

It is, doubtless, a good thing that the lonely, miserable, relationship we were living has come to an end.  I can accept that. 

The tougher struggle has been accepting there being no more ‘us’. 

I wanted to keep hold of any good parts from the past 20 years, and add new, better stronger ones as we each, individually, become newer, better, stronger people. 

I told him this a few times; apparently enough times to make him feel I was attempting to coerce him into it.

He’s kept telling me he didn’t expect me to wait and hang on for him while he worked his shit out, whilst also telling me, numerous times, that he “might have fucked up”.

Talk about mixed messages.

He’s also said, several times, that I’ll meet someone else soon anyway. I think that he wants me to meet someone else, then he’ll be off the hook and won’t have to feel guilty for what he’s doing. 

Well, shame, that grand plan’s going to be thwarted. I’ve got a mountain of my own crap to work through before I consider another relationship. For once he’ll have to shovel his own shit and carry his own burden.

I may be wavering around, part accepting the end of this marriage, part craving him still, but the reality is I’m know I’m not ready to be fully with anyone right now, and that includes him.

The concept of opening up and being vulnerable to someone new is beyond insane.

Despite that, I do want to be part of an ‘us’ again at some point in the future. I do want more than I had in the marriage to him. If that’s not going to happen with him, I’m going to have to work out how to fully detach from him.

Now and again, it feels like there’s a teeny, tiny, sliver of a chink of light ahead – a possibility of a chance of a future for me that’s good.

That’s one hell of an improvement from the endless, bleak, nothing that gaped at me in January.

There’s still a heck of a long way between here in the glooms, and there in the sunshine though.

It feels like a journey of a thousand miles.

As we all know, a thousand mile journey begins with a single step.

The single step I’m taking today is to remember that obsessive thinking about EH is driven by addiction, to not get drawn into believing there’s anything worth fixing with him, and to focus on healing myself.

JP