Loose Shale

18/03/24

This is so hard.

I do my best to take care of my physical self. I attempt to eat, I bathe and moisturise. I exercise.

I seek, and search, and do what I can for my mental health.

I’m trying to keep regular sleep and waking times (although the waking comes easier than the sleeping),

I’m reaching out to a few trusted people for support.

I’m using writing as a therapeutic tool.

I’m reading articles and listening to podcasts, trying to apply what I’m learning.

I’m spending time in the garden, with nature.

I’m honestly taking as many of the self-care steps as I can manage every damned day.

I claw myself forward by a couple of inches, then, on days like today, it feels like the ground under my feet loosens, shifts, and sends me slithering back down the slope.

I don’t know exactly what triggers these backwards slides. I go to bed filled with budding resolve and burgeoning inner strength, then wake up feeling like an out of date blancmange.

It’s exhausting, battling onwards, carrying this leaden weight in my belly and my mind.

It’s such a lonely fight. No matter how many people offer support and listen to me whine, ultimately it’s me who has to find a way.

In all real senses, I’m on my own and have to find the resources from within. It’s the only way I’ll eventually feel better and stay better.

Being a grown up really sucks sometimes.

JP