I Have To Befriend Myself First

12/03/24

Despite all I’m learning, I still find myself repeatedly fantasising about finding that magic reset button, where the EH and I can go back to before the hurt.

Imagine, being able to relax and go out together, have a laugh, enjoy each other’s company.

Yeah. Imagine.

In my daydreams it starts with him coming over here once a week or so, to watch a film, or a stand-up comedian or something. To have good food, to snuggle, and cuddle and giggle. 

I want to shag each other giddy, then if he wants to stay the night, that’s fine. If he wants to go back to his place, that’s fine too. 

I want to be healed and stronger and centred so that it genuinely is fine.

I want to be secure enough that I can enjoy the company and physicality of being with him without it triggering the pushy neediness inside me.   To be complete enough in myself that when he leaves, I can bask in the warm glow, then go back to enjoying my independent fulfilling life.

I want it to be mutually respectful and mutually pleasurable, without any hint or taint of using, abusing or unkindness. 

Of course, before any of that could happen, we would first need to be friends.  Proper friends. 

To be friends we’d need to be comfortable with each other. 

To be comfortable with each other we must be confident and secure in our individual selves. 

To get there we need to use this distance between us, take that space and use it to work out some personal shit. 

Of course, I have zero influence on what he does with that head space.

I must focus on doing what I can within myself. 

I’ve got to work out how to do this because I want so badly for things to be better for me moving forward.

Because I want that core certainty that I’m fine as I am. 

I need to be able to hear the good things people like Altan tell me, and to know them to be unquestionably true. I’m decent, kind, intelligent, generous, witty. Sometimes.

I need to believe in the right to ask for my needs to be met, and my boundaries to be respected. 

I have to learn that it’s ok to be vulnerable, in certain circumstances.  I want to feel secure enough to admit when I don’t know something and to clearly ask for help when I need it. 

I’m thrashing around the internet and the pod-o-sphere looking for answers, trying to find the path that will lead me through this shit show. 

I so desperately want to become that person – that serenely confident person who holds self-love, self-awareness, and self-truths, immovably within.  Untouchable, unbreakable self-belief. 

It would be dishonest to not say that there is also the by-product mini hope that the changes within me will bring about a change of perspective in him; that he’ll see me anew and want me again.

However, the much, much larger part is that I just can’t go on the way I have been. There has to be more to life than this misery and self-doubt.

I will not die still feeling like this.

I want more.

I’m going to be more.

I can make that happen.

Allegedly.

JP