Hang On A Minute There Twatboy

06/03/24

Something’s been niggling me for a while:

I was texting with him and offered an apology for a particular time where we had a sex drought, which I know made him feel unwanted.

He responded that from his point of view, that’s a large part of what killed our relationship.

What’s been bothering me has finally become clear: he at no time, and in no way, questioned why someone who once had a very high sex drive might suddenly close off from physical intimacy.

He only ever saw himself as the innocent victim of me gratuitously doing something mean and cruel to him; presumably because he saw me as a mean cruel person?

So here’s where I was at: I didn’t want to have sex with him because he’d repeatedly ask me to do mildly kinky things, I would do them, then he’d call me a slag and say I shouldn’t have let him.

I didn’t want to have sex with him because his preferred positions caused me pain, and he got annoyed when I said so.

Rather than have fun finding positions that worked for both of us, he persisted in the same routine, his only concession to my discomfort being he’d sometimes go less hard.

I didn’t want to have sex with him because his pleasure seemed to be all that mattered. I’d get a quick, literally mechanical orgasm via vibrator, then he’d feel ok about climbing on and doing whatever he fancied.

I didn’t want to have sex with him because there was absolutely no affection outside of bed.

There wasn’t really any in bed either.

Which is what lead to me bursting into tears one night and telling him I felt like ‘any hole’s the goal’ and that I didn’t matter as a person.

His response to that was to get really angry, forever after bearing a grudge that I would say something so hurtful to him.

He never once displayed any sign of, “Oh, fuck! I’m so sorry I made you, my wife, feel that way“

He used to complain that I was too ‘spiky’, that it was difficult to get close to me. I always felt like such a shit, like I was constantly harming him with my protective thorns.

But now, I think about times when he berated me, got angry, about such silly things or things that I hadn’t even done, and it seems pretty reasonable that instinctive defences would go up.

For example, in our early days we were watching some Italian gangster film and at the end I was in tears, because for some people that shit’s real. He was laying on the sofa with his head on my lap.

When he realised I was crying, he sat bolt upright, exclaiming, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! Fine! We won’t watch films like that anymore if this is how you’re going to be.”

I was so shocked, I apologised for being stupid and crying.

It all looks so stark when I write it out like this, but I’m only just realising that the problems we experienced weren’t all my fault.

It wasn’t all down to my childhood induced inappropriate defences, my insecurities, my inadequacies.

It must have suited him just fine to have me shoulder all the blame and responsibility, never having to look at his own part in things.

I don’t really know what to do with any of this realising, so for now, I’ll just acknowledge it.

JP