Is This My Boat?

22/02/24

^{EDITED TO ADD: DISCLAIMER: The contents of this post should NOT be taken as any form of advice or guidance; it is merely an account of a personal exploration. Any actions taken by others in relation to the contents of this post are entirely their own responsibility. Consideration should always be given to personal circumstances, including physical and mental health status, and the law in one’s own country.}

Altan has introduced me to the concept of microdosing with psychedelics.

I’m sure I’m a million years behind, and that the wider world has been aware of the practice forever, but it’s new to me, and it’s made me very excited.

He made a passing reference to looking into microdosing as something that could help him with some difficulties he’s currently experiencing, and then our conversation rolled on.

Right at the end of our call, I remembered what he’d said and asked him to explain the idea behind microdosing to me.

I’m so glad I did!

To be fair, he’s only just started to look into the subject himself, so could only provide me with basic information. It was enough to pique my interest though, so off I went, researching.

Now, I’m not going to get into all the ins and outs of dosing and protocols and whatnot, but the basic idea is, by regularly taking a small amount of a psychedelic substance, it’s possible to boost mood, creativity and overall mental health. Without having to trip balls to get there.

I’ve been aware for some years of the alleged, potential, beneficial effects of substances such as LSD and magic mushrooms.

Anecdotally I’ve heard that people have had amazing trips, where afterwards their whole way of thinking is changed. Depressions have lifted. People have become motivated and focussed. Past traumas have been emotionally resolved.

Of course, I’ve also been anecdotally aware of horrendous ‘bad trips’, which has effectively dissuaded me from trying psychedelics before.

This microdosing malarkey means there’s no chance of a bad trip, because the dose taken is so low there is no trip.

It appears to me that when done as a microdose, these substances work like a super-charged anti-depressant, but better.

I’ve come across very few reports of side effects from microdosing. Like, so few, I can’t think of one off the top of my head.

Microdosing results seem to be quicker, more dramatic, and longer lasting than traditional antidepressants. No need to wait years for results. And no need for months, or years, of ‘tailing off’ dosage in order to cease taking it completely.

Also, although antidepressants have previously helped during a couple of very desperate times, I’ve never felt they’ve assisted healing. They’d stop me drowning, then I’d plateau into numb flatness. The underlying issues are not, for me, addressed.

Again, therapy would have been helpful then, as now, but the cost is prohibitive for me.

However, I’m starting to get the impression that self-help books and techniques may have deeper and more profound impact when used in conjunction with microdosing. Still not as good as a therapist, but way better than nothing.

So far, so promising.

I need to do a lot more reading; I’ve just started wading through some proper research papers I’ve found.

Given the illegality of the substances in question, it’s very difficult to raise funding and permissions for such scientific, clinically controlled studies, so papers (particularly about microdosing, rather than trip dosing) are sparse.

I have found MAPS to be an excellent, reliable, credibly researched source of information, with many signposts to further useful resources.

There are also a number of podcasts around the subject, with a wide variety of styles and approaches, so I’m getting stuck into a bunch of those too.

Do you know that parable, about the man stuck on a roof in the flood?

As the waters started to rise, townsfolk come by, first in cars and vans, then in boats, and finally in helicopters, offering to save him and get him to safety. The man keeps turning them away, saying he’s been pious and devout all his life; he knows God will save him. Eventually he drowns, goes up to heaven and asks God why he didn’t save him. God replies, “What more did you want? I sent you people with cars and vans and boats and helicopters…“

This business with the microdosing feels like my boat.

I’ve been begging the universe to help me negotiate my way through this divorce, to find myself, heal myself and become more.

I’ve found, stumbled upon, or been guided to, an awful lot of really helpful stuff already. But this? It feels right, exciting, real. Like it’s meant to be.

Apart from the illegal aspect, there’s nothing I’ve come across so far that’s diminished my excitement. In fact, the opposite is true.

I’ve become increasingly sure I want to do this. And although the illegality isn’t superb, I don’t think it’s entirely unsurmountable.

There’s a country, around an hour’s travelling time away from me, where this stuff is not illegal. In fact, there are clinics and places I could book myself into, if I could afford to. If it was my only option for experiencing this, I think I’d find a way to get the money together.

That, though, would have to be a last resort; I don’t need to add debt to my list of woes. Before I get there, I need to look at every other potential, less costly, avenue for substance access.

I also need continue research, covering pluses and potential pitfalls, so that if/when the time comes, I feel fully confident in what to do, how and when.

Maybe this is more avoidance, trying to drug myself out of misery? Maybe I’m just clutching at straws, thinking a drug can shift 55 years’ worth of bullshit.

It’s possible, but as I said, it feels real and right.

As this is the first time since new year that I’ve felt there really could be a positive future for me, I’m rolling with it and going all in on trying to make it happen.

At the end of the day, what have I got left to lose?

JP