Standing Tall And Proud

30/07/24

As discussed previously, writing in my journal helps me face and slay my demons; back in May I decided to make those journals public via this blog.

This was in no small part due to having listened to Sarah Millican reading her entire book, How To Be Champion – (for me) the equivalent of having an eight+ hour therapy session/pep talk with a really good friend.

For anyone struggling, particularly with a relationship breakup, I can’t recommend the book enough. The first part definitely shifted my perspective on my own marriage and impending divorce; the remainder of the book fed me gumption, giggles and gentle caring, in equal measure.

I’m not getting paid to say this – I genuinely think it’s a fabulous book, and it helped me enormously.

So, anyway, my point…

I’ve not really doubted that initial decision to publish these blog posts, but I have had the occasional internal tussle with myself over the wisdom of making certain aspects of my journey public. There’s some deeply personal stuff in the pages of this blog, plus mention of illicit drug use.

The whole reason for putting this out into the world is because I’ve been supported, guided and comforted through my journey by what other people have written and published; This is my attempt to ‘pay it forward’. Without total honesty, that won’t work.

That is, first and foremost, honesty with myself – recovery and healing can’t possibly take place without it. But almost equally important, is that I continue that honesty when sharing the details of my journey with others.

A major consideration is that, although I’ve altered or omitted certain identifying features, if someone who knows me in the 3D world stumbles across this blog, they’ll almost certainly be able to put the pieces together and recognise me. That could be challenging.

Equally, although I’ve taken certain precautions to preserve others’ technical anonymity, if people recognise me, they’re likely to recognise others and/or themselves too. That could also be challenging.

Everything I’ve written has been my absolute truth at that time. I’ve not lied about anyone or their behaviour, I’ve not embellished or altered events for dramatic effect.

I’ve concluded that if someone I’ve portrayed in a negative light should recognise themselves, then the anxiety and shame should be on them, not me.

These days when I consider being challenged by someone about things I’ve said about them, the song You’re So Vain by Carly Simon (“you prob’ly think this song is about you“) springs to mind, and I just grin about it.

It’s not my job to protect anyone from the consequences of their actions by not speaking my truth. I’ve done that too much, for too long, at the expense of my own wellbeing.

My earliest specific qualms were around discussing my use of psilocybin, particularly with regard to how EH would judge and condemn me if he knew.

For the record, I no longer give a flying fuck what EH thinks about my use of truffles, or about any other aspect of my life – there’s a pure noping out on letting that sorry excuse of a man have any diminishing effect on my life. It’s none of his business, and his views and opinions are not my concern.

However, it wouldn’t be ideal if it came out at work either.

Or if it came to the attention of an over zealous law enforcer.

The bottom line though, is that magic truffles are proving to be a major factor in my healing progress;. It would be totally misleading to imply I’ve come as far as I have, in such a relatively short time, simply with orthodox therapy methods.

Again, without full honesty, the picture of my recovery wouldn’t be real;. How is that helpful to anyone?

And let’s not forget the ultimate goal here is to know, honour, and be able to fully express, my true, authentic self.

Looking back, the first few months of posts on here make me absolutely cringe;. My willingness to debase myself to keep an abuser in my life, my willingness to shoulder the blame for the treatment I’d received from that abuser… it’s like some other woman and it’s hard to let her remain there, connected to me by words on the internet.

It’s got to stay though;.

Maybe some other person will read it and recognise themselves. Maybe that will support someone to have the courage to look at their own circumstances and say “Enough!“.

The thought of people who know me possibly reading the sexual content makes me squirm a bit too.

But once more, these things need to stay.

Sex should be talked about; kinks and hang-ups, worries and pleasures, positions, discomfort during menopause…all of it should be out there so people know they’re not alone.

My squirmy discomfort comes more from social pressure about ‘nice girls’ than anything else. Fuck that bullshit;. Bowing to social pressure of that type has rarely brought positive consequences for me.

Of course, all these concerns are based on the assumption that anyone at all reads this blog.

In my ideal, imagined version of this, a reasonable, but limited, number of people will read my chunterings, coming together to form a wonderful, supportive community for each other in the comments section. Some of those people could even be part of my tribe.

Of course one hopes, but I have no expectations.

I’d feel privileged if just one person stopped by. Seriously.

All that said, I’ve found a really good way to double check the degree of revelation within a post:

I imagine myself sitting on a breakfast TV sofa, being interviewed;. How would I feel talking about this (whatever ‘this’ is at that time)?

I mean, that’s about as public as it gets, isn’t it?

Based on this measure, I’ve not pulled a single entry. There’s been no sanitising, revisionism, or other efforts to put myself into a better light. I yam what I yam.

I’m so very proud to have achieved this level of self-confidence.

This can all be summed up by my friend Giorgio’s response to me querying if I should publish this:

“Fuck ’em all. It’s your story; you tell it how you want to.“

Giorgio

My gut tells me publishing is right. Only time will tell if I’m hearing it correctly. I’m pretty confident that I’m doing the right thing, as my life has tended to go tits up when I don’t listen, rather than when I do.

Whatever comes – nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Not Afraid– Eminem

JP