Taking Stock

23/07/24

I don’t want to tempt fate, but I’m beginning to feel that what started off as a real annus horriblis is actually starting to look like being my best annus ever. 

So far, I have: 

• Come to understand that I have far more inner resources than I give myself credit for. Crying a tanker full of tears does not make me weak. 

• Embarked on recognising and expressing my true, authentic self. 

• Started fully acknowledging, addressing, and healing from childhood traumas that have negatively impacted all relationships, and many other aspects of my life to this point. 

• Experienced, for the first time I can remember, true exhilaration when contemplating my future. This is accompanied by a belief that in this future, whatever and wherever it is, I’ll have found unshakeable inner peace, contentment and joy, and a true faith in my ability to face and surmount life’s challenges.

• Started to create the garden sanctuary I always wanted.  I mean, a garden is never finished, right? So it’s always going to be a ‘work in progress’. But where once it was an unexpressed dream of an idea, now it’s closer to reality. I sit on my swing seat and, in the midst of city life, nature wraps around me, gently holding my soul. 

• Started, and maintained (for the first time since school) a proper exercise regime AND religiously remembered to take my supplements, every day, for seven months. There’s a lot I want to do with this body so it deserves, and needs, to be looked after.

• Relished every moment of watching the men’s England football team get through to the finals of Euro 2024.  We’re not going to win. It would be the cherry on the icing of the cake, but, you know, reality.  However, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching without having to be alert for EH and his bad moods. Unsurprisingly, I haven’t, for even one second, missed having him yelling, and getting increasingly furious at players and managers (and me) whenever things haven’t been going swimmingly well.

• Started the process of making this house entirely mine. Decorating is well underway and purging his presence continues apace.  The spaces that have been completed make me smile so much; every bit of it has been done by me, for me; I love it. 

• Conquered my fear of the lawn mower. 

• Improved my basic joinery skills by teaching myself how to do a mitre cut.

• Reconnected with joy through music, nature, comedy and creativity.

• Decided to travel, alone. I’d like to meet people from all across the planet and I believe travelling solo will make me more open and seeking in that regard. This is a big, scary thing for me – but at the same time, wildly exciting. I have an embryonic (not even fledgling yet) idea for how I may be able to make this happen. Far too soon to share but in due course….

That’s going alright for a year that started in a house, life and heart that were part vacated, dark, and suffocatingly silent.

Definitely keeping that promise to myself – becoming more.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Unstoppable – Sia, R3HAB Remix

JP