Wanting Closeness From Arm’s Length

16/03/24 

The EH used to say there was no closeness between us, and that it made him unhappy. 

It made me unhappy too.  And lonely. 

How could there be closeness when he’d shut himself down and refused to open up to me?  I don’t understand how to him, all of that became solely my fault. 

He’d say that by the end, when he touched me, I’d be stiff and unresponsive.  Fair point. 

Or I should say, fair enough if you ignore the years and years prior of him constantly making me feel unwanted, until he wanted something from me. 

I tried to explain, I begged and I pleaded with him to make me feel safe and secure in his love outside of the bedroom, then feeling safe in his arms would naturally follow. 

Did he see that as me demanding too much?  Wanting from him without giving to him? 

To me it seemed like real base level stuff to ask of my life partner. 

Why stamp on and kill love rather than nurture it? 

It’s as if he deliberately chose unhappiness, then pinned the blame for that choice on me.  That’s pretty unfair, and if I’m honest, a little bit bullying.   

His stance meant I was in the wrong no matter what I did.

If I reached out for him, tried to talk and work things out, he’d behave as if I was pressuring and haranguing him, and he’d withdraw. 

If I was standoffish, trying to protect myself from the hurt, he’d say I was cold and spiky, and he’d withdraw. 

All I wanted, still want, was to feel close, cherished and valued, and to give him the same.  He chose not to allow that, then pinned it on me. 

I wonder if he’ll ever have the honesty to see that although I definitely played a part in things going wrong, he made a choice to not participate, not to allow things to be put right. 

If he did realise any of this, would he tell me?

Want to change it?

Or would he just shrug and say it’s too hard and too late to put right now?

That last one would be the answer to my very stupid question.

JP