How Do You Make Yourself Let Go?

23/01/24 

I keep trying to stop myself from wanting him by thinking about all the painful things that have happened between us and attempting to harden my feelings towards him.

Like aversion therapy.

It’s not working.

I’m still going around with this feeling of sick dread in my stomach and I just don’t know how to make it go away. 

Every now and then I get these sensations of non-reality – this can’t be actually happening – it must be some nightmarish mistake. 

I thought we were forever, and it seems impossible to wrap my head around the idea that actually, he’s gone forever. 

The mixed messages he sends don’t make it any easier, and I can’t work out if it’s because he’s not sure of how he feels, or if it’s just some bumbled effort to not hurt me further. 

He’s cut off his wedding ring. 

It needed resizing as it had started to strangle his finger, but he freely admitted to just using a hacksaw to get it off. 

I asked if that was it, throwing it all away along with the pieces of his ring?  He was irritated and impatient when he replied that the ring can always be taken to a jeweller. 

Why say that if there’s no intention of ever wearing it again?  Was it just a way to get me back off and hush down, or was it because he’s left that door open, just a tiny chink?   

He says he can’t ask/doesn’t want me to wait or hang on for him. 

Is that because he knows he’ll never want an ‘us’ again, or because he really doesn’t know how he feels and doesn’t want to feel he’s keeping me dangling while he decides? 

I don’t know what anything means. 

I don’t know if I’m so desperate for hope that I see it where no such thing exists, or if he’s actually saying he’s still a little open to possibilities for us. 

I don’t know if my pain bothers him because it makes him feel guilty and bad, or if it’s because he genuinely cares about my feelings and wellbeing.   

Am I looking for pots of gold where no rainbows exist? 

Probably, but I can’t seem to stop myself. 

I know I need to start properly letting him go but I don’t fucking know how.

How the hell do you make your emotions do a 180? 

JP