Different Kinds Of Knowing

26/11/24

I recently had a phone conversation with mother that left me feeling a little… umm… itchy?

As you can tell, I’m not entirely sure how to describe the feeling, but on the plus side, what was slightly negative has revealed itself to be positive.

And now I’ll try to explain what the heck I’m rambling on about.

So, during the aforementioned phone call, I told her about a couple of decisions I’ve made.

Firstly, I told her the surname I’ve chosen as my new name going forward. I explained the reasons and meaning (for me) behind it.

She responded with a somewhat doubtful sounding, “Hmm…“

Secondly, I told her that contrary to her advice, I’ve decided not to send birthday or Christmas gifts, cards etc. to Kieran, Nicola and the grandchildren, given that Kieran has chosen no contact for himself and the children. I told her why I’d come to that decision.

Once again, “Hmm…“, in the same dubious tone as previously.

With both of these matters I was informing her of decisions made; there was nothing in the way I conveyed the facts that suggested I was asking for her opinions or advice.

And yet mother felt entitled to convey her disapproval.

There were a couple of other instances within the same conversation.

For example, I told her (in abbreviated form) about the technique I’ve been using to deal with unwanted thoughts about the past. Her response was a doubtful, “Well, I suppose if it works for you…“

This woman purports to be a therapist.

I have no interest in knowing what she disapproved of or why. I gave her no ‘in’ to further express her negative thoughts.

That in and of itself is a ridiculously large growth step for me.

Perhaps even bigger, was the way I saw her and her behaviour.

I’ve long since known, in a sort of cerebral way, that her parenting style has been a major contributing factor in the way I (dis)function in relationships.

Knowing it in my head hasn’t changed how it impacts me and my default behaviour though.

Somehow this conversation with her brought about a deeper knowing.

Both my name choice, and the gift giving, are matters I’ve thoroughly thought through, listening to my gut feelings, and focussing on my own mental wellbeing and sense of ‘rightness’.

Having made my decisions, I’m totally comfortable about my choices.

Additionally, the Other Jess Technique has been working wonderfully for me. I don’t care if it seems weird, or if other people don’t get it. I was merely sharing, not looking for input.

Because of this, when mother did her disapproving, she knows better thing, it didn’t make me doubt myself as it would have done previously.

As I wasn’t flung into self doubt, I didn’t get waylaid by the need for approval, ultimately going into a rapid, downward emotional spiral of instability. I was therefore able to step back and be unemotionally clear eyed about what she was doing.

To be fair, it took a while for the ‘clear eyed’ bit to fully emerge, but at least in the moment the only effect her responses had on me was to provoke mild irritation.

When full, clear eyed status was achieved, some 24 hours later, the actual thought I had was, “Bloody hell! No wonder I’ve ended up constantly trying to please people and to be approved of….“

It also occurred to me that the reason it was so easy for me to not do the old dance with mother is that I’ve been sticking with my realisation/decision that I’ll no longer look for things like unconditional acceptance in places they don’t exist. It will never be there in my relationship with mother.

Contrast mother’s responses to those of Altan:

When I told him about my name change, his first response was, “Great!“

He then spoke it aloud, rolling it around in his mouth with relish, finally declaring it to sound appropriately bohemian for me.

He’s already sent mail to me with the new name on.

With regard to the gift giving to Kieran et al, the first response was to acknowledge the difficulty and pain the situation is causing me. Along with sympathy, Altan offered understanding for my reasoning, and respect for my final decision.

As for the Other Jess Technique, Altan knows how I’ve become extremely bored with, and tired of, the endless resentment inducing marriage memory reel – he’s simply delighted that I’ve found something that works for me to abate (if not entirely stop) the mental depletion caused by replaying grievances.

The decision made some time ago, to build my own, true ‘blood is thicker than water’* tribe, is validated with each interaction. These two, very different conversations, about the same subject matter, and the way they each made me feel, were yet another example of that validation.

Altan asked questions so he could understand my path to choices made, but not in a way that suggested he thought my reasoning was flawed. He expanded on, and further explored what I was saying, thoroughly demonstrating his absolute acceptance of whatever I see fit to do with my life.

He made me feel seen, heard, trusted to be capable of making good choices (and capable of dealing with any consequences if said choices turn out to be not good).

Mother tried to make me question my choices – she attempted to get me to make an opening so she could pour unwanted opinions and criticisms on me.

She made me realise, all over again, that for her, I can only ever be a very small person, inside a very small box.

Like I said, it felt like this was the first time I truly saw mother in action.

I changed those bloody dance steps – she can do the overworked tango by herself, I’m getting down in the mosh pit where the fun goes on.

Again, I feel the psilocybin work is helping this progress by redefining those default network pathways; the mindfulness type exercises, and self-help therapy work are all helping to bed those changes in.

Certain things are starting to be instinctive and natural; I’ve noticed this particularly with regard to my ability to set and maintain boundaries.

Let me share something with you about boundaries – having healthy ones really, honestly does make you feel better. Big revelation, huh?!

Bottom line: the little itchy irritation I initially experienced after speaking with mother was soothed as soon as I realised it was caused by her relentless negativity, rather than any kind of unrequited need in me.

Hot on the heels of that realisation, came the recognition of how far my healing journey has come.

My word, but it feels good.

It’s becoming this wonderful self feeding positivity loop – as each little step makes me feel better and lighter, my confidence grows thereby moving me forward to the next little step, and the next.

It’s quite stunning how far repeated little steps can take you.

Everyone should try it.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: She’s Kerosene – The interrupters

JP

* The full, and correct quote is: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Because getting things right matters.