One Bite At A Time

24/09/24 

Do you have any idea how much housework can be done through procrastinating displacement activity?  It’s a lot.  Which makes for a lovely tidy house. 

It also means that after this entry, it took me around two hours to find the big girl pants, then at least a further two hours to put them on. 

As is so often the case, the actuality of the task was nowhere near as bad as the anticipation of it. It wasn’t ‘surprisingly fun’, let’s not get giddy, it was just much more copeable than I’d been expecting. 

The hardest part was when I got to the journal entry where I finally stopped talking to Three and began to talk about him; the point where the focus had shifted for me and all the work I’d been doing had finally started to fruit. 

I took a break, made a cup of tea, sat back and reflected.

Then the floodgates opened and I cried for over half an hour, like it was never going to stop.  Not howling, or gulping sobbing, just that crumpled face, pretty silent, sheets of tears, sort of crying. 

The pain of seeing myself being abused, but not knowing it at the time it was happening, was intense, is still intense. 

I wanted to reach back through the cosmos and haul myself out of there.  All the signs were there, so fucking huge, neon lit, and yet I couldn’t see them.  I have to make sure I change that default mode; I can’t, I won’t, go through this again. 

It should be noted though, that some of those tears were relief; relief that I’d managed to eat the whole elephant, relief that I can see now what I couldn’t then, relief that I no longer have to do, be, or feel that stuff.

The elephant was difficult to eat, it’s proving quite tough to digest, but it’s one particularly bitter meal I won’t have to sit down to again.

It might sound a bit contradictory to the experience I’ve described, but today was a good day. It gave me a lot of truth facing, soul cleansing, and self-loving, and that’s exactly what this journey’s about.

There will be no more outsourcing of my feelings; my happiness, and my unhappiness, are my responsibility.

There’s a type of security in that – having control of my own destiny – filling my own sails and steering my own boat.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Numb – Linkin Park

JP