Seeking “Meh”

10/09/24

EH saw fit to send me a text recently, letting me know he’d received a message from my brother Mike, and asking me to say thanks on his behalf next time I speak to Mike.

I told him I had no knowledge of any texts (which is true), and that I assumed he was able to send a return reply.

What I wanted to say was:

1. Deal with your own damned correspondence. I’m not your secretary. I’m not your anything. Fuck off.
2. Sure, it’s my brother, but he messaged you. Just for once in your life, take some damned responsibility for your own relationships. Fuck off.
3. I gave you more than you ever deserved during our relationship, and you chose to put nothing in, and then to leave. How dare you ask for anything more from me? Fuck off.

The irritated feeling hung around me all that afternoon so when I got home from work, in an attempt to dissipate it, I took a cup of tea into the garden and sat on the swing seat.

A superbly entertaining pair of magpies took my mind away from ruminating about the ex, and after a while, with nature wrapped around me, the tensions of the day eased.

In relation to nothing, and totally out of the blue, I realised that before the current marriage, I’d lived in this house with 2nd ex for 10+ years and yet I can’t conjure his presence, visualise him as part of the home. Obviously I have one or two snapshot memories, but no real sense of him having once lived here.

That’s where I’m looking forward to being with ex number three, the final ex husband!

I very much don’t want to become one of those bitter, man hating ex wives. That’s not the self that I want to be taking forward.

I’m aware that my current stage of grief and letting go is firmly within the anger category, so it could be perceived that I’m becoming bitter. Sure, with regards certain things, I am bitter and angry, and to be frank, I think I’m damned well entitled to be. However, I embrace it not as a new form of armour and self-protection, but because I think it’s healthy, healing and most importantly, transient.

Having said that, I’m also increasingly aware that even becoming irritated by a text is giving the ex something.

It’s not that I directly gave him anything; I didn’t let him know I was irritated, and I didn’t agree to pass on his message. However, by having an emotional reaction of any kind, I’m still giving him power to affect me.

I look forward to “meh” being my maximum response.

I fully accepted the end of the marriage some time ago now, but I do still have some remaining grief to be processed out. To be clear, the remaining grief is not about the loss of the relationship; rather, for all that I personally lost due to being in the relationship.

Peace and self acceptance are the intended destination of this journey, and I’m getting there, in baby steps.

The successes here were:

• Maintaining a boundary.
• Not becoming engulfed by, and bogged down in, negative feelings relating to EH.
• Consciously practicing self-care with time in the garden; not doing, just being.
• Continuing to recognise, despite the distance still to go, I’ve travelled much further towards my destination than I could possibly have imagined in January.

Not bad for a very tired, slightly overwhelmed person.

JP