Don’t Put Temptation In Fate’s Way

24/08/24

Some time ago I made the mistake of crowing a bit about my achievements so far this year.

That’s not to diminish the things I reflected on back then, but it’s as if I waved a big ol’ flag at the universe, signalling I might be strong enough to take some more crap.

And of course the universe duly obliged.

Not only did I have to tell my alcoholic son he needed to leave my house, but the fear of losing my grandchildren as a result is becoming a reality.

I don’t feel it’s appropriate to go into too much detail around this right now; other people’s journeys and stories are theirs to tell.

However, in basic summary, my son and I have had a very difficult relationship since his mid teens, when he discovered drink, drugs, and the ‘excitement’ of running in a group committing petty crimes.

Since I started expressing my concern about his alcohol consumption when he was in his early 20s this difficult relationship has further deteriorated.

My son and his partner, Nicola have an extremely co-dependant, toxic relationship. Up until now, whenever they’ve had a bust-up one or the other of them will rock up here expecting to stay, to be coddled and comforted. I’ve duly offered that.

When they decide they’re ready to restart the cycle, the person will leave my home, and sooner or later I discover I’ve somehow become ‘the bad guy’ who caused extra problems in their relationship because….

Well, the because has never been quite clear.

Rinse and repeat, adding extra addictions to the alcohol, and extra children to the family along the way.

The decision that I had to stop enabling my son and put myself first was hard enough, the decision I’m facing now, around my grandchildren? I don’t have a word.

Grandparents have no rights. There is no legal path to access, and even if there was, the process would be so horrifically damaging to all concerned, I’m not sure it would be something I’d be prepared to undertake. ^{*Edited to add: this may not be the case worldwide, and it’s always worth asking a proper legal person for advice.}

I want to offer the grandchildren some form of stability, a place they can come and safely share their ‘secrets’ and feelings, as they always have done, but I can’t see a path to that through their parents’ relationship and current stance.

Anything I do to push back will just create more drama, more damage to everyone, but particularly the children. I don’t see that I have any choice but to step out completely.

I make this decision filled with fear that it will be permanent, that my son will never find sobriety, and my grandchildren will be taken hundreds of miles away, back to their mother’s home town.

Clearly, I hope that the outcome far surpasses that, but in this situation, where I have no influence, and can’t offer any useful assistance, I have to prioritise my own wellbeing. Nobody benefits if I go under as well.

I wish I could speak to the children rather than just vanishing. I have no faith that they will be told what I see to be the truth. It’s heart breaking that I can’t talk to them, give them something to hold onto, an assurance (without blaming parents) that my physical absence has no bearing on my continued love for them.

I hope they remember what I’ve always told them – that if they ever feel lonely, or scared, or sad, they just have to let me know with their thoughts. Those thoughts get carried as atoms straight to me, and then I know to send extra big love and squishy hugs back to them as atoms. If they think really hard about me loving them, and giving them the hugs they want, they’ll be able to feel the ones I’m sending.

Before I left their house after a visit, I would always fill their teddies up with love for them by squeezing the teddy really tight, whilst smothering it in kisses. They would then be able to access the love and kisses any time they cuddled their toy. I hope they know that love never runs out.

Fuck! I can barely write – the tears are blurring everything.

I thought the grief over the death of my youngest child was the absolute toughest thing I would ever have to face in life. Again, don’t fucking tempt the universe.

With Poppy I had to find a way through the loss that had been dealt to me. With the grandchildren I’m having to fucking choose to lose them, to not hold them, teach them, play with them, learn from them, see them grow and discover the world. What kind of twisted shit is that?

Fuck!

I’m fully aware that I’m railing at the universe because I have nowhere else to direct this pain and anger, this massive sense of injustice.

D’you know, when Poppy died, I was holding her, and crying, and saying “Why me?“

Never one to miss a ‘teaching’ opportunity, mother asked, “Well, if not you, who would you wish it on?“

Now, taken from the most charitable angle, she was trying to get me to see that I did have the strength to come through this, where many others might not.

However. Timing!

Anyway, my point being, when she asked the question, I did a rapid run through of the people at the top of my dislike list, and sure enough, I wouldn’t have wished that agony on any of them.

So, in my grief befuddled state, I took it on board that, like Mother Teresa, I would not be given more than I could bear, and that I should be as stoic as possible.

I’m no fucking Mother Teresa (the good or the bad parts), and I’m sick of being stoic.

I’m not going to get caught up and bogged down in it, but right now, in with the grief, there’s a fair amount of rage. I think it’s pretty fucking damned unfair that my four grandchildren, and I have to go through this mutual loss.

And. mother, just because I don’t want it, doesn’t mean I’m necessarily wishing it on someone else, for fuck’s sake!

Here’s how Altan beautifully described my experiences over this year so far:

There’s this mountain you’re climbing, you’re making amazing progress, and you and I both know you’re going to get to the top. It’s wrong that your progress keeps getting slowed down because someone else has left a pile of their rubble and shit blocking the way; before you can move forward you have to shift all their crap out the way. You will, and you’ll get to that mountain’s pinnacle, but it’s a shame that you have to keep dealing with the consequences of other people’s careless and thoughtless behaviour before you can continue your own journey upwards.

Altan

I like it.

When I’m exhausted and feeling like it’s just too much, I remind myself it’s just because of all the rocks I’ve been shifting – soon I’ll be on a clear path again.

I can do this; I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Riptide – Vance Joy

JP