What An Odd Thing To Do

27/08/24

Since the early days of him leaving, EH has done this really weird thing – he regularly sends me photos of things we did together in the past.

I assume they’re being brought up in the ‘this time last year’ of his phone storage, but why send them to me?!

The first time it happened it was really early days, still in January, so of course I took it as a sign that he might be missing me, or regretting leaving, or something of that nature.

At the same time as causing me grief because they reminded me of what (I thought) was lost, it also gave me hope. Every bloody thing gave me false hope back then.

At that time, I’d respond with enthusiastic, loving reminiscing.

Sometime around February, I got one of these messages while I was at work and opened it in the presence of three, young, male colleagues. They saw my upset expression, stopped their gaming conversation and asked me what was wrong. When I told them, the responses ran thus:

“What the fuck?! Are you kidding? Why would anyone do that? He’s a fucking psycho!“

As I’d been asking myself the same kind of questions, it was very validating.

The ‘psycho’ comment really stuck with me, and I started to see these messages as a bit mean and hurtful. I chose not to let him know as, if I was right, and this was a deliberate attempt to provoke responses, it would feel like giving him power/control.

I began responding only with emojis, or if the grandchildren were in the photos, focussing any comments solely on them.

EH has continued to send these photos periodically, and my internal responses have ranged through bewilderment, sadness and irritation.

He sent one recently and for the first time my immediate internal response was to be glad that I’d no longer feel the way I used to feel when I was with him.

The photo in question was of a food place I’d discovered and persuaded him to go to. His message, fairly typically, read, “Remember this?“

What I wanted to say was, “Yes, you were moody, I was anxious. I was disappointed because I’d really been looking forward to it. I knew you’d love the food and the live band was right up your street. Mine too. You didn’t relax and lap up the atmosphere and you couldn’t keep your face out of your phone. I wanted to stay and listen to the band, or maybe go on somewhere we could dance. You said no. I felt small and insignificant all the way home.”

What I actually said, some hours after mulling it over, was, “Yes, the food was good.“

The thing is, all that recognising reality wasn’t accompanied by much anger, more a sort of resigned sadness that the essence of ‘what I wanted to say’ above, could apply to pretty much all of our relationship, from the very first proper date.

I’ve detached from him more than I’d realised, and for that I’m grateful and proud.

• I could have stayed in the sorrow, clinging on to false hope, not seeing the truth – that this relationship was abusive and not worthy of my time and energy. I chose to be brave and face uncomfortable realities.
• I could have fallen into the trap of self-hatred when I acknowledged just how much I’d been complicit in my own maltreatment. I chose to apply love to the child-woman who was only allowing what she’d been convinced by others she deserved.
• I could have retreated into myself, becoming isolated, lonely and bitter. I chose to look inwards to achieve specific, positive ends, to seek out resources that would aid my healing, and to reach out to friends who would willing, lovingly, offer support.

Every single one of these represents of huge step forward for me.

It feels so good to feel proud.

SNIP, SNIP – nearly through those cords.

More, not less. I’m doing this!

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Head Down – Lost Frequencies & Bastille

JP