Is It Me?

14/08/24

My son, Kieran, damaged a newly painted and plastered wall through drunken carelessness.

The emotions this promoted in me exactly mirrored the hopeless, “Why would I expect to have nice things?” feelings that EH used to engender.

This set me off thinking about, and acknowledging, the primary reason I find Kieran’s presence here so difficult.

The fact is, the negative, uncomfortable feelings his presence promotes are identical to those I experienced with EH.

I’ve been noticing that Kieran does similar bullying, belittling things to me that EH used to do: he gaslights and blames. He ‘jokes’ cruelly at my expense. He has no respect for the house, or others’ possessions within it. He utilises identical passive aggressive tactics to EH.

All this is on top of the alcohol addiction fuelled behaviours, which include lying, blaming, clinging to a victim mentality and prioritising the drink above all else.

He’s a nasty drunk and there’s a just below the surface threat of physical violence at times. He’s never hit me but he has made a fist and pulled back his arm a couple of times in the past.

Our interactions cause me huge tension and continue to follow horrifically predictable patterns, despite my best efforts to instigate new ways to communicate.

By spotting the early signs of his attempts at deliberate button pushing, and mostly being able to step back, I’m getting some good practice with learning to respond not react, but it’s experience I could currently live without.

Nonetheless, I struggle with his abject disregard for any boundaries I try to set, any needs I may have. I’m also struggling with the no-win situation he constantly attempts to place me in:

You want that stuff taking to the tip that I work next door to? Sure, I’ll do that. Except for all these reasons why I can’t. And you should have reminded me that you wanted me to move that enormous pile of crap that I’m walking past every morning and night as I get in and out of my car. If you don’t remind me it’s not my fault.

Of course, if I do persistently remind him, it’s nagging and taking away his personal choices.

You want me to help you with a couple of DIY jobs around the house? Using the drill that’s part of my work tool kit? I guess I can. Eventually. When I really feel like it. Not before ‘cos you can’t tell me what to do. Don’t be pushing it by reminding me, although you really should remind me.

As with EH I don’t add to the list (of one job) and quietly accept I’m going to have to find another source of help. Inside I feel hurt and resentful at the lack of caring.

What? You’re trying to tell me something I don’t want to hear? Watch me take this off track, gaslight you, raise my voice to you, talk over you, then walk away because I’m not letting you do this to me.

This one has, until very recently (and still does at times), left me utterly bewildered as to how a simple request to not smoke in his bedroom, or to rinse out the bath after he’s used it, can be twisted into being perceived as an intolerable attack on him that just adds to all the other traumas I’ve apparently inflicted.

I do have a twinkle of pride that the research, reading and self work has resulted in me being more readily able to recognise what he’s doing. I’m getting better at just cutting it off, rather than being drawn in.

It’s still only some times, but that’s better than no times.

Did I create this stuff in Kieran and all the others who’ve done this shit to me?

Did Kieran become this way with me because he learned through watching me accept it from EH for so long?

Do I attract this treatment through my behaviour?

Do I draw these people to my sphere, oven ready, or do I add the seasoning myself and set the aggression cooking?

Jeez, this is all so complicated.

I keep thinking about the film/book Beautiful Boy, and what the father had to do in order to protect himself and the rest of the family, and ultimately to help his son find a way to sobriety. I’m really not sure I can do it.

Logically, I know the situation can’t continue as it is, but emotionally, trying to come to grips with putting him out of the house, when I know how huge his feelings of rejection and betrayal will be… welp, that’s a whole different thing.

Sometimes it feels like the burden being dropped on me this year is an awful lot to expect one person to carry.

Fucking hell, I could do with the backup of a decent, mature partner right now.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Easy On You – The Interrupters

JP