Birthday Bitch

20/07/24

Yesterday was EH’s birthday.

I was very noble and rather than ignoring it, or sending some sarcastic thing about him being an old bastard, I sent him a text with good wishes. 

I mean, yeah, I didn’t want to risk any kind of ‘glass houses’ response given he’s younger than me, but also, I just wanted to be civil/nice, at least when in direct contact with him. I’m damned if he’ll ever get to hold his phone out to his new bit and say, “See, I told you she’s crazy!”. 

Turns out he’s in Cornwall.

There are places in Cornwall that I desperately wanted to visit, asked repeatedly, but he’d always say it was too far to drive.  

This can’t be all accidental; there must be some spite behind a) doing it, and b) letting me know about it.

I think I’m living in his head more than he’d like to admit.  

I mean, so far this year he’s covered, from my wish list, Spain, Italy, and Cornwall. 

He’s even bought the only make and colour of car that I ever expressed dislike for.

I’m delighted to report that I’m not hurt by any of this right now.  I think he’s being a childish prick, but he doesn’t know I think that, which brings its own pleasure. 

In fairness, I acknowledge what he’s doing is not a world away from the mean little pleasures I get when he sees evidence of me moving on. But, y’know, my cause is Righteous (winking face, for those who might be unsure of the semi-jest). 

I’m doing what I said I’d do while I still maintain contact with EH.

I’m disconnecting buttons so nothing happens when he presses them.

I’m learning to stand back and look after my own needs.

I’m practicing my new dance steps and screw him if I step on his toes in the process.

So, although in text world, I’m being very grown-up and magnanimous, right here, at home, where EH has no concept of my real state of mind and emotions, there’s been a whole lot of other stuff going on.

My disgust at him and his behaviour has lead me to have a change of heart about leaving his stuff in the shed.

I no longer feel the need to dump his possessions at his feet to make a point about clearing his existence from my life.

I don’t care any more that by putting it all in the bin, I’m clearing up his mess for the million-plus-one time.

I’m not tidying up after him as I used to do, I’m clearing out his mess for me.

This is not a storage unit and he’s had plenty long enough to claim any remnants of his time here.

So, today, I put the bike bits out for the scrap guys – several hundred pounds’ worth of stuff, all gone within 20 minutes. 

I then got hold of a rounders bat. 

I hauled the three bin bags containing his personal items into the garden and smashed it all to smithereens – the toiletries, the framed photos, the phone, the fucking lot.

It was extremely cathartic; so much anger released, followed by a wonderful sense of strength and peace.

Dumping the remnants into the bin felt like slamming a door shut and, as with the destruction, extremely cathartic.

I took action because it was right for me, regardless of what anyone else might think or want.

It’s empowering. 

Happy birthday you cunt.

I’ve enjoyed celebrating. 

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Go To Sleep – Eminem, DMX, Obie Trice

JP 

NOTE: I considered sharing the playlist I created when the music joy first came back, but it all got a bit complicated, trying to explain why each track was there and what it was doing for me.

Also, frankly, it was proving quite a boring read!

So, instead, I’ve decided that from this point forward, where there’s a track that, for me, really resonates with whatever I’m writing about, I’ll link to it, thus sharing my journey soundtrack as it unfolds.

Sometimes it’ll be pretty obvious why I’m drawn to a track, other times the link might only be clear to me. There will be multiple occasions where the song meaning for me is not necessarily matched to the writers’ intention. Make of it what you will.