Human Goddess

20/06/24

When EH and I first met, I was quite literally his dream come true

Apparently, some 10 years prior, he used to work in a grocery store that I frequently shopped at. He used to watch me from afar, telling his brother that he wanted to marry someone just like me. 

(Just occurred to, and amused, some weird part of me – he probably wanked more frequently over me before he’d even spoken to me than he did after getting together with me.)

Never meet your idols. 

He’d created a fictional goddess, then proceeded to reject me wholesale when I wasn’t that fiction. 

I’m finally coming to accept that is not evidence that I’m fundamentally flawed.

Of course, in those early days it felt amazing to be treated like a goddess. That look of incredulity, and the almost breathless way he’d look at me, holding me close and saying, “I can’t believe you’re actually here”. 

But he wasn’t seeing ME there, he was seeing his make-believe creation. 

When he realised that I had feet of clay, his behaviour towards me suggested he felt I’d conned him at the start. As if I’d pretended to be something I wasn’t.

He essentially said I was responsible, culpable in some way, for not being his fantasy. I pretty much agreed with him for the next 19+ years.  Jeez! 

I’d like to see that awe and wonder at my existence on someone’s face again.

I’d like to be able to render someone breathless, but next time, it needs to be because of who I am, not who they think, want or hope me to be. Next time my human imperfections will form part of the love and wonder, not be a barrier to it. 

As my unknowing mentor, Sarah Millican says, why would you be with someone who doesn’t think you rock? 

Previous me would have answered that with some form of, because if you try hard enough and bend enough and give enough, they will think you rock.  At least, my behaviour would have given her that answer. 

Let’s be realistic though: if someone is with you because you bent and reshaped yourself to suit them – well, they’re not with you for you, are they?

Developing me says, you’re right Sarah, I only want to be intimate with people who think I rock.  All of me. People who think I’m more than good enough as I am, clay feet and all. 

There are people out there, that I’m yet to meet, who will agree with that stance. 

While I’m waiting for our paths to cross, I’m working hard on getting myself to truly believe I rock; not in an arrogant way, but in a true, unconditional acceptance way. 

Sometimes that unconditional part is quite a tussle, particularly when thoughts of the past intrude.

At times, remembering previous thinking, actions, and behaviours makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed, or just plain ridiculous. Keeping the mind talk out of the blame game can be really tough. 

However, I’m ever better equipped with the tools I need, and even more positively, I’m mostly remembering to use them. 

That’s a massive improvement from the early days and nights of ruminating and/or panicking. 

Keepin’ on truckin’.

JP