Chocolate Speaks To Me

14/06/24

It seems to me that all sorts of inanimate objects can teach you lessons and reveal meaningful life related things to you, if you just stop and pay attention.

Today, I had a moment of realisation because of some chocolate in my cupboard.

I recently bought a four-pack of overpriced, but insanely delicious, rocky road bars. I ate one and put the other three in a cupboard.

When I went to the cupboard today, there were still three rocky road bars.

They were just sitting there, being rocky road bars, exactly where I left them.

Rather than just scoffing them, I took a moment to savour the unexpected delight that swept over me at the sight of them.

Why such delight? Why wouldn’t they still be there?  Why is this worth remarking upon? 

Because for the last 20 years nothing of mine has been truly mine. Had EH still lived here, there would have been no rocky road bars in the cupboard today.

For EH there was no such thing as respect for another’s property. If he wanted something and it was there, then he saw no reason why he shouldn’t have it. 

Objections from me were met with variations of, “I didn’t think you wanted it.  I was hungry. I’ll get you another one.”

These ‘reasons’ were delivered with sufficient irritation that I eventually ceased to verbalise objections about him taking my things. 

Given they never materialised, I also ceased to have any expectation of receiving a replacement. 

It should be noted that this free-flowing view of property rights only went one direction. 

The face on him if I ate the last piece of a shared cake, never mind wholesale just helped myself to something he’d purchased for himself. 

My solution to this was to have a shelf each for treats, with there being an absolute rule on not trespassing onto the other person’s shelf. It sort of worked, but I hated that it was necessary.

I say ‘sort of’ worked, in that it mostly kept from just helping himself.

However, he then developed a fine line in pressuring me to give him my treats. He’d make it very clear how selfish he felt I was being if his shelf was empty and I wasn’t offering him anything from mine. 

So, yes, it’s a small and quite silly thing to be thrilled that my rocky road was in the cupboard where I left it, but to me it represents something much bigger.

Today, those little chocolate bars were tangible evidence that being by myself brings me pleasures I never experienced within that awful marriage.

I felt a flood of joy in knowing that I can choose to have what I want, for myself, guilt free, whether that’s a sweet treat, a new sofa, a new friend or a new experience.

The rocky road reminded me that I have the absolute right to set personal boundaries and to have them respected. No one can take things from me, or deny me them in the first place, unless I permit it.

I will not be permitting it.

In stark contrast to where I was at the beginning of the year, I’d far rather be single, practicing respect for myself, than be in a disrespectful, bullying relationship.

It’s the little wins that add up to me fully relishing this single life, rather than having to continually put effort into coping with it. 

I’ll get there. 

I am getting there.

Dearest rocky road; what a sweet little chocolate bar you proved to be. So glad to have had you in my life.

JP