I Am Worth So Much More

08/06/24

My ever helpful, brutal mind has been forcing me to face some more facts.

EH cheated on me, on more than one occasion.

When he went off with Sofa Slut Stacey, after his brother had beaten me up, of course he fucked her.

I know the way that family works. There would have been no objection to EH turning up there, without his wife, but with his brother, plus two girls in tow.

I can’t prove it, but my gut knows it, as it did at the time. I remember making the very conscious choice to not mention her, or to ask any questions about it. If I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have to make any decisions around it.

It was exactly the same when his nephew was living here and the two of them would go out on a Friday night drinking, not returning until Sunday evening. Phones would be switched off for the duration of absence, the ‘dead battery’ excuse becoming standard.

He never properly apologised, mumbling excuses like, “We missed the last train“, or “We knew these guys from way back, hadn’t seen them in ages, got carried away…you know how it is.”

He never actually, specifically, stated where he’d stayed – always a vague, hand wavy, “people we know”, shifty response to questions.

I knew he was cheating, but was so scared of losing him I pretended it wasn’t so.

Yuck.

How little pride and self-worth does that behaviour demonstrate?

It stops now.

Never again will I devalue myself in that way.

Never again will I choose betrayal above independence.

I’m going to keep on bolstering my self-respect, with mindfulness, peer support groups, reading, listening, writing, thinking, asking, talking – whatever it takes to be sure my sense of self-worth is so solid it can never again be taken by, nor handed over to, another living soul.

JP