Not An Ounce Of Responsibility

27/05/24

Back when I was still very much hooked into people pleasing and feeling the need to problem solve for the ex, I suggested ways he could stay in our grandchildren’s lives, despite the physical distance he’s putting between himself and them.

I’ve slowly come to realise he’s just going to let the grandkids go completely from his life, no fight at all; just like he did with me.  He’s not just walking away from me, he’s walking away from everyone. 

At the moment I can’t get past my fury, on the grandchildren’s behalf, that the ex can just abandon them the way he has. I know I will get past it eventually, but at the moment I’m having to do some fairly ferocious mindfulness practices in order to keep the rage down.

He knows that we’ve been a necessary, stable, constant in little lives that endure the chaos of an alcoholic parent (the other being classically co-dependant); yet he can walk away with a shrug.

I think it’s natural that I also wonder how much is his new relationship status is affecting his decision, but that’s a pretty minor part of this so I’ll set that to one side.

The big question for me is, would he have have walked away if my son Kieran, and therefore the grandchildren, were biologically his?

Awful as it sounds, I actually think he would.

He’s just never been able to shoulder any responsibility; there are countless examples of this but a few that spring to mind:

• resenting and resisting picking up my blind, autistic sister’s medication once a month during lockdown (5 minutes in his car, 30 minutes for me to walk it)
• mowing my 80 year old mother’s lawn once a week (it’s the size of a pocket handkerchief)
• driving me to hairdresser once every six weeks (preferring that he give me cash for a taxi so he could sit at home)
• He equally resented taking care of any of his own family members on a regular and reliable basis; he saw looking after relatives’ pets during holidays as a major imposition
• taking anyone to an appointment or to collect a bulky item was an ordeal for him
• even when his family members were dying he gave them no support at all (maybe he took his mother grocery shopping a couple of times).

He just couldn’t make a commitment to do something that was solely for the other person’s benefit and had no direct pay off for him.

Really, why on earth would I have thought he’d be different with the grandchildren?

It’s only ever about what he wants and to hell with anyone else’s needs; that apparently includes the very real needs of four children, all aged below 10, who have known him as their grandfather all their lives.

The children were never given an explanation about the biological ties, or lack thereof – it wasn’t appropriate, or necessary. I always assumed we’d cover it in the future, perhaps when they noticed that their daddy called me ‘Mum’, but didn’t call him ‘Dad’.

I never thought they’d have to be asked to start seeing him as merely ‘my ex’ rather than their granddad. What an absolute TWAT.

When he left I thought I had nothing; today I realised it’s him that’s losing everything that has any real value or meaning.

Each of these realisations and steps to detach carry degrees of pain.

However, I know, without any doubt whatsoever, that these hits of acute pain that come with recovery are far preferable to the chronic pain I enduring throughout my marriage to him.

That pain brought destruction of self; this pain brings healing.

Writing it out, as ever, helps to release it.

Appreciating the joy of having my grandchildren in my life brings healing too.

Finally, I find that focussing on what I gain through the end of this toxic marriage is the most healing thing of all; for all the pain the process has caused (is causing), I’m finding a peace within me that could only ever have come about in his absence.

JP