Reciprocity, Not Transaction

23/05/24

I’ve noticed that when I’m out and about and have one of those encounters that involves either me or another person ‘giving way’, it’s almost always me that steps aside. People plough ahead through narrow spaces that I’m already occupying, as if I’m of no consequence, forcing me to take evasive action. I rarely hear a thank you.

Now, I’m not getting into a discussion about the rudeness of society, or causes of such. Neither am I talking about some kind of misplaced belief that everyone hates me or something. What I’m talking about is a growing awareness that I lack an aura of ‘presence’, I don’t own my personal space.

I’ve mentioned it to Georgio, because I know he works hard to cover his own non-obvious, social anxieties. I love him to bits, but he was singularly unhelpful, due to the fact he could only approach it from a very traditional, masculine view.

This is something I’m going to continue to seek guidance around, and solutions for, as it actually bothers me quite a lot.

Maybe some self-defence class could boost confidence in that arena? I confess, that thought’s not appealing right now, but I’m willing to be open to it in the future.

In a similar vein, I’m trying to train myself to stop always giving way and prioritising other people’s ‘rights’ above my own. I’m working really hard at not constantly thinking about, and doing things for, other people before doing them for myself.

I’m not suggesting I’m going to stop having any consideration whatsoever for other people; become a truly shitty person is pretty much the opposite of what I’m aiming for. However, I do need to practice appropriately prioritising self-care; I need to work out where I want my boundaries to be, then erect them.

For example, I’ve stopped myself from picking up little treats for Kieran every time I go to the shop, buying him helpful things like vitamins, stuff like that. It’s just a continuation of what I did with EH, and Kieran’s lack of appreciation engenders the same feelings of being taken for granted, and somehow quite deliberately snubbed.

Of course, the pattern I had with EH was merely a continuation of decades of established unhealthy behaviour, seeded in childhood.  I would give and give, hoping that I could somehow lead by example and get the other person to give in return.  It never worked before him, it didn’t work with him, and it won’t work in the future. 

The reason I do this sort of thing is because I want approval, affection, to be thought of as good, and kind, and worth loving. That’s why I cook the food, wash the clothes, clean the house, run the baths…

When I’m showing my love this way, by taking care of the other person, I’m also showing how I want to be loved in return.

EH would take and take, then when challenged would invariably offer the line, “Well, I didn’t ask you to x, y, or z”. 

Maybe not, but he still took it and benefitted from it with no demonstration of appreciation, or even affection. 

If I stopped doing any of those things he didn’t ask me to do, like the laundry, he’d be quick enough to moan he didn’t have clean clothes.  Damned either way. 

Actually, I often felt like he put me into that no win position. 

When he first moved in here, there’d just been me and Kieran for a little while so I was used to being all self-sufficient, doing pretty much all the household and garden maintenance by myself.  He complained that by never asking for help, I made him feel surplus to requirements, so I started asking him to do certain things – you know, ‘man jobs’, like grass cutting, bin emptying, drilling.

I cannot emphasise enough those inverted commas around ‘man jobs’. In my mind there’s no such damned thing, just as there’s not such thing as ‘woman’s work’. But at the time I was trying to galvanise him to action by stroking his ego, and making him feel all alpha. 

Guess what? 

The tasks either didn’t get done at all, took so long to get done it had become pointless, were done half-heartedly, or, with regular things like mowing the lawn, were done very intermittently.

I found it all extremely stressful. 

So, I went back to not asking for help unless I really had to, but now with a little seed of resentment. Not only did he not want to be involved in making this house our home (which I could kind of get my head around, not everyone can get down with decorating), but unforgivably, he wouldn’t offer praise or admiration for my ‘can do’ attitude, nor express pleasure at the results of my efforts. 

I’ve got to get this shit nailed down:  

• If someone doesn’t give of themselves willingly, don’t fucking waste time trying to persuade them.  Move them on out.   

• If you give of yourself and don’t receive anything back, stop bloody giving. Good god woman, you’re a well that can be emptied, not a fucking bottomless pit. 

JP