Pathetic Coward

21/05/24

I found out that EH is seeing someone else. 

I found out because he took that someone to the place we both used to work and got all touchy feely with her, knowing full well that I’m still in touch with ex-colleagues. 

Sure enough, one of them contacted me. 

I messaged him and he confirmed.  

I’m raging. 

Not about him seeing someone else; although that part was a bit of a gut punch, particularly as it’s happened so quickly. 

No, I’m raging at the absolute cowardice of him. 

Only a week ago he made me feel bad during a phone conversation, because I’d suggested he might be seeing someone else already, the implication from him being that I was behaving like a cow. I apologised to him!!! 

D’you know what he said when I pointed this out to him today? 

“I didn’t know what to say.”  

What you say, you fucking dipstick, is “Yes, I am seeing someone.” 

Just like that. 

I mean, the subject had already been opened up for you, it’s not complicated – you just confirm, yes. 

What you really shouldn’t do, if you have an ounce of decency, is set up circumstances so you manipulate another person into telling me what you’re too pathetic to utter yourself.  

What you also shouldn’t do, is ask your estranged wife if she’s ok to be friends with you when she doesn’t have the full picture.  Manipulative fucking liar.

Earlier on today he was sending me stupid fucking memes knowing full well what he planned to do.  Man, that’s messed up. 

Fuck off. Just fuck off and keep on fucking off, you disrespectful, abusive, immature, cowardly bag of shite.   

Believe people when they show you who they are, Jess. 

This is absolutely who and what he is; this is how he always treated me.

In amongst the rage, there’s definitely a sense of relief that I’m not experiencing this type of behaviour on a daily basis anymore.  

There’s also a better recognition of exactly how that dynamic has worked, how it’s undermined my self-trust and self-belief.  Recognition is part way to healing and changing, right?

What I can say, without a flicker of doubt, is that I will never again harbour thoughts of ‘maybe we could…’ 

Shamefully, in the past I’ve tolerated cheating. How uncanny that I only recently addressed this.

I’m now in a place where dipping your dick in someone else is an absolute line in the sand for me.  He crossed that line, in a deliberately callous manner.  

We. Are. Done. 

I’ve been dreading hearing this news since he left.  I never imagined it would happen so quickly (why did I not imagine that?!), and actually hoped I’d be much further along my recovery path before it did.  In the event, it’s not been nearly as awful as I’d imagined. 

The certainty is actually a bit freeing. I have a clarity that’s been missing to this point.

I’m allowing for the fact that this relatively calm acceptance might be partially due to numb shock, and am girding myself for a potential tsunami of grief later on.  

However, it doesn’t feel like that – I’m a bit sad, and I’m a lot angry about how he’s gone about all of this breakup process – but more than anything, I have a new sense of determination. 

I will be more, not less. 

Quite what that entails is yet to reveal itself to me, but I’ll know it when I find it.  

Today pushed me some distance up this mountain I’m trying to climb.   

I’m grateful for the forward movement, however it comes. 

JP