Way Too Selfish

03/04/24

In the very early days of my relationship with EH, he told me he didn’t want to have kids as he knew he was too selfish to be a good parent. 

I admired the perceived self-awareness and honesty. 

At that stage in my life I was very close to my self-chosen ‘cut off’ age for having any more children, and was fine to agree to the no kids thing.

Kieran was moving into adolescence and starting to feel out some independence. My weekends were my own as he went to stay with my ex, or with friends.

The loosening of responsibility meant I could see a certain freedom on the horizon, and I was fully aware a new baby would shut that down for another 18 years or so.

I was ok with no more babies.

I haven’t regretted choosing not to have more, although there were a few twinges as I approached the ‘now you just can’t’ stage of my biology.

I’m eternally grateful that he was clear about not wanting children. If he’d felt differently, I would easily have been persuaded. The thought of adding a child into the mix of what our relationship was is beyond awful, on every conceivable (hah!) level.

What I’ve only recently recognised, is that he’s also too selfish to be in what I would see as a healthy, long term, intimate relationship.

It was Poppy’s birthday that set me off on this thought path.

Late in the evening I got a text message from him asking if I was OK. I was initially surprised and touched that he’d remembered the date and reached out to me.

However, as the conversation evolved, it became obvious that the timing of his text was a fluke, and he had no idea it was Poppy’s birthday.

This, despite me having a few weeks previously pleaded with him to drive me out to the countryside so I could walk and clear my head out with fresh air, specifically because of this anniversary.

He pays no attention to what’s outside himself, unless it directly impacts him.

When Poppy’s birthday came round for the first time after us getting together, I asked him if he’d accompany me to her grave. He did come along, but didn’t offer the compassion and support I’d been expecting when I invited him.

I don’t remember him cuddling me.

Most of the specifics are lost to me, but I do remember the uncomfortable feeling of being at her grave side, wishing I was alone.

What I also remember, with that photo clarity of a shocking memory, is what he said as we were leaving the cemetery.

I can see the rusting railings on the opposite side of the road we were crossing, and remember the slimy feel of wet, rotting, fallen leaves under my feet.

And I can remember my feeling of stunned rejection when he said, in an off-hand sort of way:

“I know it’s sad for you and everything, but it doesn’t really mean anything to me. Are you ready to go to the pub now?“

Some eight months later I went ahead and married the man who had said those words to me.

If only I’d been healthier back then, I’d have fully recognised the callous selfishness on display. I’d have rejected him.

We met because I’d told a friend I wanted to deal with the horniness resulting from my singledom.

If I’d been more whole at that time, I’d have screwed him, realised the sex wasn’t that good and moved on.

I’d have seen that he was a self-centred bully, and that we had absolutely nothing in common. Barring fucked up childhoods, but that really shouldn’t have been the basis for a 20-year marriage. 

I’d never have felt more than “meh”. 

We really, really, really, should never have married.

With the dynamics we had going there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell it would turn out to be what I would wish for from a supposedly intimate, committed, relationship.

He’s too self-absorbed and selfish to be able to do anything but take and deplete.

He doesn’t know how to give without it being transactional.

But I wasn’t whole, or healthy at that time, so I couldn’t see it clearly.

I’d made some decent personal progress after ending my second marriage, but it wasn’t properly bedded in.

So of course, being with a gaslighting bully triggered all my old patterns, and I went into the familiar glomming on mode.

It’s difficult to properly explain what I mean by ‘glomming on mode’ but I’ll give it a go.

Inside me, there’s a hideous insecurity that comes out like a raging bull as soon as someone, who I think I like, shows any kind of romantic or sexual interest in me.

It’s like this switch gets flipped. I go from an apparently independent, strong, woman of attitude, to this pathetic people pleaser, with no strong personal opinions or preferences.

I’ll give away parts of myself without a second thought, and will shoulder all responsibility for the other person’s happiness, always to the detriment of my own joy in life.

I cease to even consider if I like the person, and the way they treat me, and just go all in on making sure they continue to want me.

I may as well open my front door wide, with a banner hung above it saying “All Abusers Welcome“.

Of course, just as my behaviour patterns have drawn abusers to me, they will have repelled healthier people.

Hindsight, eh?

Better late than never though.

Perhaps this new clarity will assist with the detachment from EH.

I was deeply unhappy in that marriage but couldn’t bring myself to face it. By the end I was fully buying into the sunken cost fallacy. (If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, this is an excellent article.)

Bottom line, I know all my longing and hoping for change and a better relationship with EH is just fantastical nonsense.

The first weeks and months of a relationship are supposed to be the ‘honeymoon period’, when you get the very best of what someone has to offer. Within weeks of my relationship with EH I was on my knees in front of him, begging forgiveness for something I hadn’t actually done, while he bullied and rejected me.

He became even more selfish, manipulative and callous over all the years I was fighting for our marriage and hoping for change.

Key Lessons:

• For christ’s sake Jess, believe people when they show you who they are.
• Stop trying to mould yourself into a ‘loveable’ form.
• If they’re horrible to you, if they demean, ignore, and devalue you, it DOES NOT mean you have to be better and nicer in order to ‘deserve’ kindness.
• It DOES mean that they are seriously unpleasant and should be excised from your life. With immediate effect.

OK, my logical head has got it.

Just need to get emotional self to fully catch up.

JP