My Mind’s Made Up

22/03/24

^{DISCLAIMER: The contents of this post should NOT be taken as any form of advice or guidance; it is merely an account of a personal exploration. Any actions taken by others in relation to the contents of this post are entirely their own responsibility. Consideration should always be given to personal circumstances, including physical and mental health status, and the law in one’s own country.}

Since I last talked excitedly about microdosing, I’ve been doing non-stop research about the subject and my mind is made up. This is something I’m going to do.

I’m not doing it for ‘jollies’, but intend to use it as a therapeutic aid.

I’ve been careful to at least start my research with proper, scientific, peer-reviewed papers. I found MAPS particularly accessible and informative.

Unfortunately, the research doesn’t go as far and deep as the scientists would like, but it’s extremely difficult to get funding and approval for research into the therapeutic use of widely illegal drugs.

It seems to be pretty broadly accepted that psychedelics can give astoundingly positive results when used to address mental health issues. What I’ve read indicates that, used mindfully, psilocybin (in varying doses) can help with PTSD, addictions, treatment resistant depression, and a whole lot of other mental health issues.

Opinions seem to differ more when it comes to micro vs. macro dosing.

Sceptics think the effects of microdosing are likely to be placebo, and that a macrodose (coupled with intensive therapy) is the only way to gain true, lasting therapeutic benefits.

Believers say they’ve had truly life changing results from microdosing. Those starting from a pretty low and depressed state obviously experience increased positivity in a more dramatic way.

However, there seem to be plenty of people who are starting from a reasonable, quite OK space. They simply want an often indefinable ‘more’. They utilise microdosing and find themselves happier, more creative, productive, balanced, and content. Having an awful lot of really good days.

Sounds alright to me.

And d’ya know what? Who the hell cares if the sceptics are right, and it’s placebo effect? I damn well don’t. If it works it works. I don’t care how or why really, just so long as I get through this shit, and can get to the state of self acceptance that I’m looking for.

I’ve listened to a wide variety of podcasts on the subject of microdosing. (I’m not going to link any as there’s so many it’s had to pick a few – search ‘microdosing’ and/or ‘psilocybin’ in your app and I’m sure you’ll find plenty.)

These range from the all-in enthusiasts, who do it themselves and are a bit evangelical about it, all the way through to sceptical, never done it, but willing to be open-minded, scientists.

There are also numerous places across the internet where communities share their experiences and knowledge. These anecdotal accounts have given me better insights into what I might expect from the experience.

I know it won’t be a magic bullet. I’ll need to continue with the self-help therapy, and the conscious facing of demons. My understanding is that the psilocybin will assist me in finding, facing and slaying those demons, whilst also speeding up the actual healing part (as long as I do the ‘work’).

So, all that being said, having been unable to find anywhere/one who could provide me with ready to go mushrooms, I’ve managed to procure some spores, and am planning to try to grow myself a little crop.

Having possession of the spores, for research purposes, is perfectly legal. Growing or cultivating them in any way is not.

I’m trusting that one middle aged woman, with a margarine tub sized crop of mushrooms, for personal use only, will be of little to no interest to anyone.

It’s a bit exciting and a bit terrifying too.

I’ve got some time off work booked in May, which, by my calculations, should coincide with the mushrooms fruiting. That will give me plenty of space and time to trial my responses to microdosing.

I do have one concern: I’m starting to feel this rising desperation.

I’m uncovering so much appalling stuff about me, my past, and my marriage that I’m getting utterly overwhelmed by the magnitude of the mountain I’m climbing.

My worry is that I’m pinning too much on the mushrooms, and that I’m going to go into some kind of meltdown if it doesn’t work.

It has to work – I don’t know where else to turn.

It’s gonna work – I believe in it.

I just need to hang on a little longer.

In the meantime, I’ve restarted my Buddhist chanting practice. Although I still get a bit fidgety at the start, as long as I have a recording running alongside, I eventually relax into it.

It helps centre me but I need more and I need it fast. I’m damned if I’m going to let EH push me, again, into the Swamp of Sadness.

Depression can fuck off, it’s not chewing on my soul again.

Not this time.

Practitioners often refer to the mushrooms as medicine. I’m willing to put my faith in their alleged true healing powers. Better to try this than to have to go through the excruciating numbness of antidepressants.

Don’t get me wrong, prescription antidepressants have their place in the world – I’m not suggesting otherwise. Once upon a time the numbness they offered gave me the space I needed to crawl back from the brink, and without them I might not be here.

However, without being able to access therapy as well, antidepressants have never helped heal the fundamental issues that caused my depression in the first place.

They don’t, and can’t, resolve what causes my anxiety, insecurity, neediness, lack of boundaries, and so forth.

But perhaps that can be achieved with a little psilocybin induced brain rewiring, coupled with a fucktonne of self-help therapy.

That’s the hope I’m clinging to right now.

JP