If I Could Just Let Go

04/03/24 

By the time he left I’d long since stopped asking him to go to therapy with me, or to seek any type of outside assistance.  I knew it would never happen. 

I’d pretty much got to the stage where I didn’t really care about sorting the past anymore; I just wanted to close that book and start writing a whole new one together.  

I felt willing to shake off the past and reach for a future together instead.  

He didn’t want to let go of his resentments, so wouldn’t let me let go of my pain. 

I’d excitedly try to engage him in planning a holiday, or thinking about possible business opportunities we could explore, or doing up the house, or something to look forward to.

The brevity of his attention, his monotone responses would rapidly shut me down.  

I got so used to things not happening due to his lack of interest that I trained myself to not get excited about much anymore. The flat desolation of never expecting good things to happen was way less painful than the devastation of disappointment. 

Of course, this meant that on the rare occasion he suggested doing something together, because I was already 80% sure it wouldn’t happen, or if it did the outing would be tense and awkward, I’d be pretty flat in my responses to him – a sort of ‘if you want to’ reaction.  

A crappy kind of self-protection.

I believe my flatness gave him the impression that I didn’t want to do anything. In his head I just wanted to stay at home within a very small arena of activity and interest.

Of course, he then retreated some more, away from my perceived rebuff.

All it would have taken was for him to open a fraction, to see that I was doing my very best to let the past stay there.

I tried to offer a safe space for him to express himself and his wishes, even though I felt raw and vulnerable too.  

If he could just have let go of the anger and taken that one step forward with me. 

I sound like a fucking broken record.

I bore myself at times.

I wish it was as simple as just opening up my hand, letting go, and all of this would float away.

JP