Just Stop!

08/02/24 

At my request he came, picked me up, and drove me out of the city so I could go for a walk; I’ve been craving air and space. 

He elected to walk with me. 

This, in and of itself, was awesome. 

But of course, I had to go and fuck it all up royally by pushing, trying to talk about problems, making him feel uncomfortable. 

For fuck’s sake!  I’m so angry with myself right now. 

It was all set up to be a super nice afternoon/evening – go for a walk, drop by to see the grandkids, maybe get some food…   

And then I started with the questions, and once I started, I couldn’t seem to stop. 

He eventually exploded at me as we got back to the car, saying he just wanted to go home. 

I was so scared he was going to dump me in the middle of nowhere, and also really upset that my behaviour might have fucked it up for the grandkids seeing him. 

I even managed to make it worse with the way I was apologising and trying to calm him down; seeing me behave scared like that makes him feel like some kind of abuser, which must be fucking awful. 

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!  I’m trying to get him to believe things can be different for us – that we can be bigger and better – and there I go proving to him that my behaviour is the same old small minded, uptight, nagging bullshit. 

Why didn’t I just enjoy the walk, the companionship (the way I told myself I would), and back the fuck off?! 

I’ll tell you why: because I’m still an insecure little kid that needs constant reassurance to feel valid, and it’s far, far too much to expect anyone to do that, least of all someone who’s been attacked and hurt by me so often. 

Way back in the early days of or relationship he got upset with me because I’d said I didn’t need him, but that I wanted him, and want was better. 

He couldn’t understand it then, feeling hurt that I said he wasn’t needed. 

I wonder if he understands now? 

Somewhere along the line things changed and I started needing him. 

I then morphed from behaving like a confident equal in the relationship to feeling inadequate, being clingy. 

I’m absolutely not blaming him for this.

That change came from unresolved stuff inside me, the stuff that poisons everything. 

I have to sort that stuff, properly, so that it’s never, ever again brought into any of my relationships. 

Until I change my patterns of behaviour, I certainly have no business being in an intimate relationship, with him or anyone else. 

Until I ‘rescue’ myself, I’m going to continually hurt people, ultimately causing more pain to myself. 

I have to step away. 

Clinging to him is driving him further and further away. 

I’m hurting, and hating, myself more and more with every word I utter to him. 

He’s offered me friendship as a starting point and if I’m to be a friend then I must respect where he is right now. 

JP