Sometimes We Choose Not To See

06/02/24 

When he told me he was leaving I felt utterly blindsided. 

I think I went into shock for several days. 

I told everyone, and myself, that I hadn’t seen it coming. 

However, thinking back over the prior three months or so I’d been increasingly uneasy, sensing something was different, like an extra pulling away on his part. 

I even discussed with Lena whether he might be having an affair, although she was quick to reassure me that he didn’t have it in him to practice the required level of deceit. 

Given how pre-planned and well executed his departure was I feel she may have misjudged his character somewhat. However, at the time her reasoning seemed plausible and I let myself be persuaded. 

I now think that was essentially the point of no return, when he more or less knew he was going to leave but just hadn’t plucked up the courage to make the move. 

I guess you could say my gut instinct did see it coming, even if my conscious brain wasn’t prepared to look. 

I can’t help but wonder if I’d done something different during that time would he have changed his mind? 

Conversations replay like film reels in my head, and I curse myself for not saying different things in different ways. 

There were several occasions from that point until New Year when he let go of the almost permanent anger and shunning of me, where he relaxed a bit and had some fun. We briefly felt connected. 

Then there would be this switch, as if he’d suddenly remembered that he wasn’t supposed to like me, and he’d withdraw again. 

It would feel like he wanted to hold onto the anger, and now had an extra resentment towards me for momentarily making him forget it. 

I clung onto those tiny moments of connection, convincing myself they were proof that we still had something. 

Was there anything I could have done, in those months, that would have caused him to change path? 

Or did he actually leave me, in his head and heart, a long time ago?

I should have paid more attention, way back, at the point he stopped drinking. His response to my entreaties to explore avenues for repairing and healing our marriage was, “Too much damage has already been done”. 

How many years was I blind and stupid? 

Were we always just spiralling?

I hate suddenly feeling so unsure of what was real and what was sham. 

I feel disorientated, like every foundation I built on in the last twenty years has been swept away. 

Only he has the answers but I can’t ask. 

I feel so empty and it feels like nothing will ever fill this hole but him.  Everything seems so hollow. 

I try to do good things for myself, that self-care malarkey that everyone keeps banging on about, but it feels like a rubbish make believe game. 

So, what if I had a long soak in the bath, painted my nails, exercised, read a book, bought a dinner I couldn’t eat… it’s all so meaningless.

I hurt because he’s not here.

I hurt because I don’t know truth from lies.

I hurt because he put me through so much pain, for such a long time.

I hurt because I let him.

If the pain won’t go away, could I please become numb to it?

JP