A Horrible Incident

09/11/24

Something horrible happened and I don’t know what to do with it, so I’m dumping it here.

I’ve known Jennifer for over 25 years. During this time, we’ve experienced varying levels of closeness. I wouldn’t describe our friendship as intimate. We’ve talked to each other about major ups and downs in our lives, but we never got into detail about past experiences.

She’s someone you can vent to, but not someone who’s likely to help you find the root cause of issues you’re facing.

When it comes to approaching life’s difficulties, or dealing with trauma, she is very much NOT in the ‘get therapy’ camp, so I’ve tended to not get too deep with her about any emotional issues.

Since EH left in January, she’s been a surprisingly staunch cheerleader for me, regularly praising my attitude and progress, encouraging the reaching for dreams. It’s felt like a new level of trust has been building between us.

So when she asked me a question, that to answer truthfully, I would need to reveal past sexual abuse, I chose to open up a little about it.

Her immediate response was a disbelieving, “Are you sure?“

Shocked, I said I’d never lie about something lie that; why would she ask me if I’m sure?

In a very offhand way, she said, “Well, you’ve never mentioned it before.“

At this point I stood up to leave, and told her that I was disgusted by what she was saying.

She came back at me with something along the lines that I needed to listen better to what she was saying, but I was out the door and walking up the street by this point.

I sat and pondered it, feeling hurt and angry, regretting my decision to share something so personal and painful. I decided to do nothing, say nothing, until I was calmer and had a little more distance from the emotions triggered by her response.

I mean, not being fucking believed is the fear that keeps the abused silent.

I knew I needed to sort through what I felt about Jennifer’s response vs. what I was feeling due to unresolved past stuff. I was determined to not escalate things.

That decision made, I contacted the lovely Giorgio, not telling him about the row with Jennifer, and just had a silly text exchange, which lifted my spirits and took my mind off things.

And then Jennifer sent me a text that started with the words “You need to…“

My heart sank but I read it anyway.

It was quite long but started by telling me I need to “listen more and consider other people”, continued with “it’s not all about you”, and basically ending by telling me that holding her grandchild made her realise how insignificant I was.

So. Yeah. Hmmm.

Obviously I’m hurt.

I did respond. I think I can say I responded, rather than reacted, as I took an hour or so to think about it first.

What I got right:

• I recognised the gaslighty tone and didn’t get drawn into arguing about semantics.
• I stated the facts without getting emotional.

What I got wrong:

• My response had a snooty frosty tone.
• My response didn’t move anything forward, for Jennifer or for me.

And now I don’t fricking know where I’m at with it or how I feel or…..

Truly, honestly: my gut feeling is saying cut contact.

You see, that sifting I was talking about earlier on has made it clear to me that the way Jennifer reacted, and her subsequent doubling down that she’s right and I’m somehow wrong, puts her within the group of people who’ve done that to me in the past.

That group is horribly large, and includes my mother.

For the record, it does not include my sister Lena and my brother Mike. They’ve resented me raising the subject of our childhood because it triggers shit for them, and I absolutely understand that. Their coping mechanisms involves shutting away, making light, or simple non-acknowledgement.

However, extremely importantly for me, they’ve never, ever, attempted to deny or minimise what I experienced.

Anyway, while I haven’t gone completely no contact with mother (and given her age, probably never will), I have dramatically reduced, and radically changed both form and tenor of the contact we do have.

Every single other person who has denied my experience is, thankfully, no longer in my life.

Those denials have been so, so painful for me – as a child I could not raise the courage to tell.

Even when, one time I was asked by a policeman if a person had touched me, I said no, because I didn’t want everyone to think I was bad and naughty for getting in his vehicle in the first place.

They’d think I was awful beyond redemption if they knew I’d let him touch me because he said he’d buy me a necklace.

They asked me in front of Rassgat, the man my mother married, who’d originally ground into me the message that I was dirty, bad and disgusting.

I could not bring myself to tell him he was right. I still wanted him to love me.

As a teenager, I didn’t even know when I was raped or abused. It’s only in hindsight (some extremely recent), that I’ve recognised the severity of certain experiences. At the time I’d been so soundly pre-groomed for these men, I blamed and hated myself for being a disgusting whore.

As an adult, I clung to relationships that damaged and diminished me, because I fully believed that it was my own fault I was being treated badly – if only I could be better, nicer, not so dirty and shameful, funnier, quieter, more adventurous…

All of that to say, when I did open up, allow myself to be vulnerable, to tell, I was too often met with disbelief (“I’m sure you misunderstood“), or minimising (“Well, it was only once”; “You weren’t cut up, or beaten or anything“), or blaming (“Well why did you get in the car?”; “Why didn’t you shout and fight?”; “It can’t have been that bad, you didn’t leave him“).

I’ve come to view each and every one of those people (including mother) as having participated in a grooming and abuse cycle.

I’m still working on that stuff – I mean, I’m not a flawless person and I know I can make massive improvements in certain areas of communication, self belief etc. However, I’m starting to get a handle on maybe I’m not actually vile, starting to be able to separate what is and is not my responsibility.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I don’t ever again want to be in the space I was at the start of this year.

To not be there, going forward, I have to always walk away from abusive people, not try to please them.

As I said, still working on it.

So, does Jennifer fall into that circle of people who cannot be in my life, as their presence is detrimental to me?

Gut says yes.

Is the niggle of doubt I’m experiencing coming from the people pleaser part that I’m trying to eradicate?

Or is it a actually a bit unreasonable of me to cut someone out, after 25+ years, due to one conversation?

I don’t know!!

Aha!

Maybe I do know.

I promised I’d listen to my gut, and that says cut contact.

Ok, I can cut contact, but I don’t have to announce I’m doing that. It’s not like we message or visit all the time as things have been, so my silence wouldn’t necessarily mean anything major.

If, over time, that no contact continues to feel right, then I’ll just let it carry on.

If I feel differently, then I’ve left the door open to reach out, should I feel that’s right.

You see, doing dumps here really does help me work things out.

I am, though, very open to other (helpful, compassionate, and meaningful) perspectives on all this, should you so wish to offer any up.

Not a great day, but could have been worse.

MUSIC OF THE DAY:

JP