A Whole Day Of Good Selfish

05/11/24

^{EDITED TO ADD: DISCLAIMER: The contents of this post should NOT be taken as any form of advice or guidance; it is merely an account of a personal exploration. Any actions taken by others in relation to the contents of this post are entirely their own responsibility. Consideration should always be given to personal circumstances, including physical and mental health status, and the law in one’s own country.}

Self care is a priority, and a necessity, not a luxury.

– Wise people on the internet

I did something yesterday that is totally out of character for me. I called in sick to work when I was technically fit enough to go in.

In an ideal world I’d have been able to be honest, and ask for a mental health day. As it was, I had to fib and claim physical sickness.

It wasn’t pre-planned. I woke up, as intended, for an early shift. I switched off the alarm and sat up in bed.

I sat there for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes….

I was just too tired, I couldn’t get myself up and going. My limbs felt heavy, my brain felt heavy, my emotions felt heavy, everything felt heavy.

I felt a bit weepy too, at the thought of having to spend six hours being bright and cheery for customers.

Eventually, the newly found, caring, adult, part of me spoke up, matter-of-factly stating that I wasn’t going to be going into work today – I needed time off more than they needed me in.

My instinctive counter thought was driven by long held indoctrination against being selfish – my inner child, Little Jess’s, guilt at the idea of letting people down.

My newly empowered grown-up self quietly pointed out that I’d be letting myself down if I didn’t give myself the care I needed.

The final, quite feeble, protest offered by Little Jess against calling in, was that it would be really difficult to cover an early morning shift, at such short notice.

True Jess easily pushed that aside with the reminder that there was a manager to whom such issues fell. In short, it was not my problem.

This was as much about personal boundaries as anything else. Not giving and caring and worrying about other people, beyond what is reasonable, and to my own detriment.

With all that clear, and with my gut telling me I was doing the right thing, any trace of guilt about what I was going to do completely vanished.

Oh, OK, I felt some guilt at telling the lie about it being a physical reason, rather than mental, but needs must… I think it can safely be put in the ‘white lie’ category.

I made the necessary phone call, then went back to sleep.

I essentially slept throughout what would have been yesterday’s shift (45 minutes short to be exact). I felt hugely refreshed when I woke up, something I’ve not felt in weeks.

Sitting, tea in hand, with the time not quite yet midday, I was pondering how best to make use of this unexpected free time.

Decorating or renovations were immediately discounted – the whole point of this day was rest, recovery and self-care.

I didn’t feel delving too deep into therapeutic type podcasts would be good either; sometimes I find I get saturated to the point that I start being brought down by the weight of it all, rather than being lifted up my the learning. I need to back off for a while, process through and heal newly understood wounds, before going back to look at more.

Then, it dawned on me – I recently received an unexpected gift of some happy truffles – now was a jolly good time to try them. I had the space of an empty house, and plenty of time for the process.

I could also really use a mental boost.

The dose I took was well below trippy level, but sufficient to feel a small ‘hit’ – like, a noticeably positive shift in thoughts and feelings.

After about half an hour I started to feel pretty motivated, but very specifically motivated to do things that would be nice for myself.

I washed, changed from pyjamas into comfies (there is a distinct difference my friend), and tidied up the bed and bedroom.

Padding cosily downstairs in my slippers, I made some comforting, nutritious, cheesy pasta and a cup of tea. A bit of rummaging around unearthed crisps and biscuits. I piled the lot onto a tray and took it all upstairs.

With pillows plumped and perfectly arranged, I munched my pasta while looking up the necessary contact details to deal with a couple of home ‘admin’ jobs.

“Admin?” I hear you say, “How is dealing with bureaucracy a self-care activity? Surely that just brings on stress?“

Hear me out.

Procrastinating over things that can’t and won’t magically resolve themselves leads to me having a very low grade anxiety – knowing I have to deal with it nibbles away at a corner of my mind.

Over time, as the issue becomes more pressing, the anxiety grows, until I end up creating a mental monster out of a phone call. I know as soon as I just do it, which I will have to eventually, that anxiety will disappear.

So today I thought, “If not now, when?“, and just cracked on.

I now have:

• a new fridge on its way, to replace the faulty one delivered last week.
• a larger recycling bin is being delivered, which will hopefully mean I no longer have to rely on my current method for maximising the small bin capacity – leaving piles of cardboard out to become rain soaked and soggy enough to squish is not ideal.
• an extra general rubbish collection arranged, as even with careful recycling, this house is currently generating more waste than the appropriate bins can handle.
• a sense of accomplishment.
• peace of mind.

So you see, oh doubting one, dealing with the admin was absolutely an act of self-care.

After that, I did a whole bunch of positive, therapeutic writing while listening to my Kick Ass playlist.

I was blissfully without a care, scribbling away, dipping my hand in and out of a ‘sharing’ bag of salt & vinegar crisps, relishing being able to loudly crunch without making apologies for the noise, and not caring if crumbs fell into the bed – they can be brushed out later.

I already had a Frazzled Café support group meeting booked, so spent an hour with some of my wonderful tribe on there.

As ever, spending time with these candid, non-judgemental, emotionally honest people, nourished my soul. It’s a rare, rare time that I don’t leave feeling markedly better than I did at the start of the meeting.

As I write this, I’m happily dipping biscuits into my tea, playing the dangerous game of ‘How Long To Dunk’ – a millisecond too long and that biscuit is not reaching your mouth intact.

Soon, I’ll clean my teeth and change back into my pyjamas.

Then I’ll put on the wonderfully soporific tones of John Anthony Walker reading Classic Detective Stories (other platforms are available), and drift off into contented sleep, feeling rejuvenated and ready for tomorrow.

I am so chuffed with the progress I’ve made since January – I’m positively bounding up this mountain.

Today was good selfish. It was self-care in practice. It was without guilt. It represents a milestone in my ability to listen to my needs and prioritise them.

If I’d gone into work today, right now I’d be feeling exhausted, probably irritable, and quite likely teary. I’d be facing tomorrow solely propelled by the thought, “Only two more shifts to get through…“

This was good selfish in action.

Giving myself a single day of attentive self-care, where I acknowledged and ‘honoured’ my self-worth, has left me feeling calm, content, revitalised and strong.

What better use could there be of one’s time?

MUSIC OF THE DAY: The Sound of Silence – Disturbed (CYRIL remix)

JP