I Saw The Colours And A Whole Lot More

01/10/24

^{EDITED TO ADD: DISCLAIMER: The contents of this post should NOT be taken as any form of advice or guidance; it is merely an account of a personal exploration. Any actions taken by others in relation to the contents of this post are entirely their own responsibility. Consideration should always be given to personal circumstances, including physical and mental health status, and the law in one’s own country.}

A few days ago I took a high dose of psilocybin truffles and, quite frankly, had the most amazing, revelatory experience.

Despite taking time to process and integrate, I’m not sure I can adequately describe it, but I’ll do my best. In order to try to convey the experience accurately, I will be relying heavily on text messages sent to Altan at the time

I took the dose mid-afternoon, which allowed me time in the morning to be sure the house was comfortable, clean and tidy. Bedding had been changed, pillows plumped, lavender wax melt on the go. I was all bathed and in comfies. Bottles of water and cushions were set out in the garden.

As soon as Simon left for work I took the dose, on an empty stomach (had not eaten since around 10pm the previous evening), and switched on my Field Trip app.

As ever, my initial response was to get very sleepy; I think I may have drifted off for about fifteen minutes, but made myself stay awake after that.

Some 45 minutes later I was starting to doubt that anything noticeable was going to happen. Sitting up, somewhat disgruntled, I discovered that getting my slippers on was a tougher challenge than it ought to be; then I realised the carpet weave was starting to present as 3D blocks (think Giant’s Causeway).

Having remastered the art of slipper wearing, I made my way downstairs, got a cup of tea and headed into the garden.

It was raining quite heavily but the swing seat canopy gave sufficient protection and I really, really wanted to be outdoors.

After a few minutes on the swing seat, focussed on the lawn, it also began to present as 3D blocks, just like my carpet had. However, these blocks were gently undulating, like the lawn was breathing.

The first truffle ‘realisation’ I had?

Everything is just breathing patterns.

What can I say? It felt profound at the time!

I fired off a text to Altan, letting him know what I was doing. Typing it was quite tough as my phone was visually turning into a bubble shape; for once autocorrect was kinda helpful (apart from the time I was trying to say something about my peripheral vision, and autocorrect was convinced I meant peroneal. An entirely different prospect).

Despite having no pre-warning, that darling man was with me throughout my trip. It can’t have been easy for him, responding to my stream of consciousness messages, but he was gentle, encouraging, supportive, and occasionally moved me back to the point of what I was doing. Perfect trip sitter, aside from being on a different continent!

So after noticing the patterns that make up the universe, I spent some time delighting in the enhanced detail of nature within my garden, feeling quite giggly and euphoric. After that, we started getting down to business.

The giggly feeling dissipated and I felt very introspective

I’m not sure now exactly what prompted it, but I sent Altan a text that said:

“I’m sick of letting people diminish me. Fucking build me up or piss off you cunts.“

This was followed by a comment about the ex being a spider moving onto his next victim.

Then I had this weird sort of self-split thing. Half of me was feeling joyous at having escaped that soul sucking excuse for a man, and his web, but the other half was feeling intensely sad for, as I put it, ‘old me’ who fell for all the abusing bullshit.

This is what then followed:

“I had to spend the 20 years with him because I couldn’t learn what I am now if I didn’t. I had to be here to be ready for what’s next.“

“I’m so sad for old me. Poor wee thing. Someone should have given her some cuddles.“

“I’m doing it now. But dear lord, the poor cow, to have not seen for so long.“

At this point, I was (in my mind), standing on a dusty road, looking down at this ‘old’ me, who was sitting on a rock sobbing, clearly not inclined to get up and walk the path with me.

I was crying in reality; not sobbing, just tears falling, like a cup that’s got too full.

My next question to Altan was –

“Does she have to come with me? She’s a bit of a sap. Not sure she’s an ideal travel companion. Can’t I just give her a hug then leave her to it?“

Altan’s response was that ‘she ‘old me’ needs to be set free, and real me needs to move forward while honouring her.

Clearly relieved to have had that reassurance I continued:

“She’s sweet, and damaged, and sad, and I know what made her that way. But I don’t want her to be my identity anymore. My heart fucking breaks for her but I can only change what comes next.“

“I’m so damned sad for me. Is that pathetic? From the beginning it’s been one battle after another, and I just want to shake it off and step forward standing tall without the burden, even if that means I’m naked.“

Again, Altan reassured and gently guided me forward.

After sitting for about ten minutes, quietly sobbing and feeling profoundly sorry for the woman I’d been, the texts started again.

“I just want to leave it all behind and start afresh being my fucking true authentic self. I think it’s time to let that other woman go. I think it IS time, even though I’m crying my eyes out and feeling like I’m about to tell a child I hate them.“

There was another short break in the texts, while I was clearly processing through some stuff. The next message said:

“The kid has got to stop running my show. I can take it from here. As a grown up. Allegedly. She’s can have a memory box in my head. But she can’t come back to life like some damned zombie.“

I knew on a fundamental level that this was what needed to be done – I needed to say goodbye to Other Jess and march forward as True Jess – but there’s an uncomfortable sense that it’s wrong to abandon such a sad and vulnerable creature, all by herself, at the side of a remote mountain road.

This is something I’ll continue to work on through the integration process. I sort of get the reluctance – to let go of all that you’ve ever thought yourself to be is pretty huge, even if you do know that what’s on the other side is better. Even huger when you’re not entirely sure what you’ll be left with if you leave that ‘self’ behind.

Having spent some time in that space, with Other Jess, everything shifted again and I got into a drawn out conversation with Altan about sex; specifically the fact that I’ve never experienced sex with a truly considerate, skilful partner. I’ve never been with someone who makes me safe enough that I don’t feel the need to ‘put on a show’, rather than being able to be fully immersed in my experience, fully enjoying the intimacy.

It’s not that I can’t orgasm but my best ones have always been solitary. I long to have the trust within a relationship that allows for time, and slow coaxing rather than what I’ve been experiencing, which has been more along the lines of: ‘Would you hurry up so I can climb on and get what I want‘.

Altan tells me that he fully believes my Bear (my ideal version of a relationship) is out there, that we’re making our way towards each other right now. I hope he’s right.

That makes it sound a bit like I’m starting to be a bit Desperately Seeking, but that’s not the case. I just feel like I’m steadily moving towards starting to open up to some company.

Not necessarily a big, long term relationship, but some fun, and singing, and dancing, and maybe a few too many whisky macs. I’d like to go see a film, or have a meal – you know, normal shit that people do when they enjoy each other’s company.

By this point of the trip, I’d started to come down from the peak so Altan went off to attend to his family and I came into the house to get some food, and to snuggle down for a peaceful evening.

Before going to sleep I sent Altan the following message:

“I think my big takeaway from today is to stop wasting my life, time and energy. Give it to myself first and foremost. Good selfish all the way.“

The following day, I discovered that I’d sent myself a message (I only just recently found out you can message yourself on WhatsApp, which is useful!):

“We have cleansed, you can let her go now. She is the past. She can be the past because she’s been heard. Put down the burden, throw back your shoulders, be naked… it’s going to be fine. Better than fine. xx“

As I said before, I still have some integration work to do with this, but it feels like something massive has shifted inside me. Specifically, the core part of me that has always felt so bad, dirty and rotten, now feels lighter and ‘cleaner’. It’s like a bucket of sludge has been dumped out – the bucket still needs to be scrubbed and rinsed, but it’s not full any more.

I’ve been looking for a way to feel ‘clean’ since I was in my early teens; I truly believe the combination of self-work and psilocybin are giving me the results I’ve so badly wanted.

Although I’m feeling a little greedy for more – more healing, more lightness, more joy – I won’t be dosing again for a few weeks. But I most certainly will be doing it again in the future.

Firstly, I need to take time to fully absorb all that I can from this experience, and I know that’s not an overnight process.

Secondly, my research tells me it’s better to leave some gaps, even when microdosing, so that you can assess your new ‘base level’ mental state once the psilocybin has left the body.

Thirdly, I’ll need to get some more supply as I now only have enough for microdosing; it’ll take a little while for that to happen.

So, in summary, my first trippy trip took me quite some distance forward in this self-healing/discovery journey of mine. I gained insights into the aspects of self I need to let go of, in order to gain what I’m reaching for in terms of self-image, independence, and companionship.

A good day’s work.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: What I’ve Done – Linkin Park

JP