Who Do You Love?

07/08/24 

Bear with me while I get a little woo. 

I had an extremely vivid dream recently; that, in and of itself is quite remarkable as I rarely remember anything of my dreams.

In this dream I was asking the universe (represented by swirling golden threads) how I could get rid of the pain I still have around my lungs. 

I was told that it will go when I properly let go of the ex, with love.  The anger at him is a form of holding on.  The physical pain I’m experiencing will keep cycling around my body until I fully let go of all that’s happened.

I was crying when I woke up.  I don’t know if it was some kind of truffle assisted ‘connecting with the universe’, or if it was just what I already knew deep down.  Whichever, it does sort of make sense; you know, the body keeps the score and all that.

Subsequently the day has been spent battling through waves of stress nausea.  I have not missed this.  At least it’s been confined to simply feeling sick; so far, I’ve not actually thrown up, thank goodness. 

I also felt very weepy throughout today, culminating in me getting home from work and sobbing for half an hour.  It wasn’t about anything specific; I wasn’t sitting there thinking about events or incidents.  It simply felt like some kind of valve had been opened and these hot tears just keep sheeting down my face. 

I felt a little better afterwards, certainly somewhat less nauseous.  Hopefully I’m clearing out some of my emotional baggage.

What did occur to me in the aftermath of this crying jag, is that maybe my interpretation of ‘letting go with love’ has been skewed; I’ve struggled with this as a concept, long before being asked to apply it to the ex. My main issue being that it doesn’t feel like those being let go of actually deserve any more of my love.

But what if it’s not about letting go with love for the other person; what if it’s supposed to be love for me?

That’s an easier angle for sure.

And that just made me laugh a little – in the first quarter of this year the idea of self-love was so alien to me, that angle would have made it twice as hard!

Ultimately though, that’s the point isn’t it – fully letting go of a toxic relationship means releasing the anger so it doesn’t poison me, thereby allowing for healing, growing, moving forward/ Is there a more powerful act of self-love than that?

So, I can let the ex go with love, for me.

I am letting go of him, with love for me.

I know I’ve been saying I’m prepared for difficult emotional stuff coming up but I thought that would be during the truffle journey; I didn’t expect it to hit so hard several days after.

Every day’s a school day.

My journey continues.

JP