High Days And Holidays

07/09/24 

As the year progresses, I find my mind wandering towards my birthday, then Christmas and New Year, and wondering what the hell I’m going to do on these ‘special’ days. 

We got married on my birthday.  All well and good when we were together.  With the 20/20 vision of hindsight?  Big mistake.  Huge. 

And Christmas? Always one of my favourite times of the year – the twinkly lights, the advent calendars, cheesy songs, holly, ivy, trees, carefully chosen gifts – the whole damn shebang.  It’s a bit tainted now that my last one was a giant fat lie, throughout which he was arranging to leave me. 

New Year?  Really?   I have to make the point that he moved out on New Year’s Day?  Not exactly the association with joy and hope that one would wish for.

On the other hand, if my self-healing progress continues at the speed it’s currently evolving, I may well be celebrating it as the day my new life started, rather than grieving the old life lost. My changing perspective may well associate New Year with joy; the joy of freedom, self-discovery and personal growth.

So, yeah… 

I have decided what I don’t want to do: I definitely don’t want to go and spend any of the days at someone else’s house.  No matter how welcoming and lovely and well-meaning an invitation, I know I’d end up feeling kinda trapped, trying to work out how soon I can leave without appearing rude. 

My birthday has never been something others have particularly made a fuss of.  In fact, for at least the first decade with EH I’d get nothing on my actual birthday as his pay day fell around a week later. Like he hadn’t had a whole fucking year’s notice that it was going to be happening. 

(…and breathe….) 

The trick for that day will be not ruminating about it being our wedding anniversary too, particularly as last year, out of the blue, he made a bit of a fuss around it and booked us into a spectacular castle. Probably his last-ditch effort to drum up some feelings for me. 

Maybe this year I should have some kind of ceremonial ring disposal, followed by a freedom meal?  I don’t know though, in some ways that feels like giving him far too much involvement in my life, still invested. 

Yeah, on second thoughts, the whole ceremony thing doesn’t feel right. 

I’m sure I’ll come up with something suitable, and honestly, I think I’ll manage whatever comes up emotionally, but I am sort of looking forward to having that particular first-anniversary-after-separation over and done with. 

I also think I could be OK having Christmas Day by myself if I planned a certain amount of structure and had some contact with trusted people via phone/text/internet.

I could change my approach to Christmas decorations, so that it reflects my new, emerging self, rather than being full of poignant reminders of what’s gone. In a similar way that I want my home to be entirely different to anything EH knew, I want him to have never laid eyes on my Christmas decorations.

However, part of the process of change means clearing out the old, and I’ll have to face and deal with the ‘special’ decorations – the ones bought each year to mark time with EH – that prospect is enough to make me think I might not bother with putting up the tree this year.

Bit of a dear do buying all new decorations as well, particularly as I only bought the very expensive tree a year ago. Maybe I’ll go the more natural route, with stuff cut from the garden…

I dunno, future Jess can deal with that when the time comes.

For both birthday and Christmas I can make sure all my personal ‘snuggle factors’ are in place – candles, nibbles/limited prep foods, roaring fire, slopping about in new pyjamas and slippers, an entertainment selection lined up (podcasts, books, films, music, games) – I think it could be a real stride forward in solidifying my independence, and focussing on self care.

The alternative I’m considering is volunteering, although, with past experience doing this, I know I’d have to be sure I was in the right space to be able to cope with the mental and emotional impact it tends to have. Perhaps this year isn’t the right time.

New Year?  This one I really don’t know. 

Half of me wants to be screaming out Auld Lang Syne, arms wrapped round some fit bloke who snogged the face off me at the stroke of midnight. The other half thinks that’s probably not a terribly good idea. 

Part of my concern about these celebratory days stems from knowing I’m going to have to navigate other people’s ideas of what’s best for me to do; battling insistence that I not be alone, or at least come for Christmas Dinner, or how about they ‘pop round’ to see me on New Year’s Eve, or… 

Urgh!   

Conversations with certain people are so predictable I can play them out in my head with ease.  It’s bloody difficult to say no to some people, who genuinely care, and who believe they’re trying to help you, but in actual fact are doing the opposite ‘cos they’re making you feel cornered by not listening to you.  That not listening causes the ‘No’ to be ever more strident, inevitably leaving them feeling rebuffed, going off nursing hurt feelings. 

Ah, maybe I’m just borrowing problems from the future.  Maybe by the time these dates roll around, I’ll be in a different space, different circumstances, wanting things I’ve not even considered right now. 

I do strongly feel that this first year it’s a must to start establishing new traditions. Ones that suit me, not ones that are filled with obligations to others. It’s just that what that looks like is a bit foggy at the moment, and the vision could do with being sharpened up.

So, I thought I’d drop the niggly little concerns here, and let the Universe get on it for me.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Take Back The Power – The Interrupters

JP