Not Welcome In My Space

31/08/24

Since EH dropped some grocery bits off for me, I’ve been experiencing this uncomfortable sensation that the ‘mineness’ of my developing home and garden has been diminished slightly by his having laid eyes on it. 

The emotions have echoes of something that happened long before he was in my life. 

When Poppy was born, I had a precious few photos that quick witted persons had thought to take.  I carried them with me, and rarely shared them. 

I asked someone if they would like to see, and they looked through them. Later I heard via a third party that this person was saying they were traumatised that I’d forced them to look at pictures of a dead baby. 

I was profoundly hurt by this. Firstly, that was my child, not a ‘dead baby’; secondly, that was not how I’d experienced the situation, and thirdly, because I had so little of Poppy, to share the tiniest part was a massive deal for me. 

I wanted to claw back the images from their eyes; take back what I no longer wanted them to share. 

It’s that last part that’s resonating now – the bit about wanting to take it back, make it unseen.  I don’t want EH to have looked at my newly expressed spaces. 

Up to now I’ve thought I wanted him to see himself being eradicated from every aspect of my life, and to see me thriving.  However, when faced with the reality of him observing me and my budding new life, I found I didn’t like it. 

He was asking about my health and wellbeing, if I was still exercising and so forth.

I found I didn’t want to tell him any details, I didn’t want to share my happy with him. He discolours everything, tarnishes all glow and I’m not permitting it.  The seeking detail was too much participation from him in my life; limited as the enquiries were, it was still more nose poking than I wanted. 

I’m still of the opinion there is therapeutic value for me in having limited contact with him, keeping him at arm’s length, an outside onlooker via text, seeing the transformation as I choose to reveal it.  But I don’t want him having details, nor having any familiarity with the process of my journey. 

I can see I’m tottering towards full cut off, and I’m glad to know it’s on the horizon.  I’m not quite there yet and I’m not going to push. I have faith, based on year to date, that it will come. Eventually my emotional muscles will be strong enough to yeet him entirely out of my life arena. 

I’m not gonna lie though, I’m struggling a little today with ‘observing the emotions’ and letting it be; not ruminating and getting down in there with them. 

This no-man’s land between utter dependency and secure independence is not comfy to traverse. I’ll be glad when I’ve trudged through it, and get to flick the emotional off-switch that awaits me at the other side. 

MUSIC OF THE DAY: Black Rose – Volbeat, Danko Jones

JP