I Think I’m Learning

24/08/24

I’ve been thinking about my capacity to instigate or accept change, specifically in relationships, and how frequently fear has prevented me from doing what I know needs to be done; usually fear of loneliness or abandonment.

I’ve also been thinking about my persistence in believing that I can be the power, the catalyst, that brings about change in another’s behaviour.

So, what started this train of thoughts was the situation with Kieran; like so many other parents, I find it hard to not blame myself for the life choices he’s made so far.

I’ve read enough, and learned from others telling their stories (thank you, wonderful internet strangers); I know intellectually that no matter what mistakes I made, or what difficulties we faced as he grew up, at 35 years old, his choices about his life going forward are entirely his responsibility.

I’ve gut-known for quite some time that I couldn’t continue enabling his destructive behaviour by protecting him from any form of accountability for what he’s doing.

Despite this, fear of estrangement has held me back; I’m scared, not just of losing him, but my grandchildren too.

So, although having him living here has made me unhappy, I’ve permitted the situation to continue (up to now), stuffing away how I feel, clinging to the hope and belief that somehow I can be the key that unlocks sobriety and healing for him.

So, from thinking about the reluctance to deal with Kieran, I found myself thinking about a moment on a road trip with the ex, a couple of years ago.

We were in Scotland and he raised the idea of maybe retiring to one of these little villages we were driving through.

Now, it may or may not be relevant but I feel the need to say, in my childhood I lived in some very rural places, places that get cut off from everything in the winter, places where you’re not ‘local’ until a minimum of three generations have lived, worked and died there, but that take you into the community if you make the right efforts.

Good places, but very, very, different to city life.

The ex has only ever lived in a city.

I initially gave an enthusiastic response to the ex’s suggestion, because, hell yeah, get me out of the city. However, when the conversation fell off, and I was looking out of the window, rolling the idea around in my mind, I was filled with a cold dread and deep sadness.

I knew he had no idea of the reality of rural life, carrying a very romanticised view, but there was no point in me trying to explore that with him; he’d just see it as me being negative and rebuffing his idea.

But that wasn’t the reason for the fear; the fear came from a flash visualised image of the two of us, snowed in, trapped in a tiny little house, without electricity… and it was awful! The glowering bad mood he’d be in, my feeling responsible for making everything ok, the loneliness, the suffocation…

I knew.

Before he up and left in January, before I began processing my way through all this shit, I knew. And I chose to do nothing about it because I was scared of being alone.

I stuffed it away, clinging to the idea that I’d be the key that could unlock more from him.

The common factors in these examples, and persistent ones throughout my life to date, are:

1. the false hope and belief that I can somehow bring out the ‘real’ person, and they’ll change how they’re treating me,
2. a willingness to accept prolonged, chronic misery over the acute pain of change so that I don’t lose a person from my life.

Back in January, in an effort to get me to take a more positive view of my circumstances, I was asked:

If a magic fairy had come to you before the ex left, and told you that you could choose: keep him forever, but things will stay exactly as they are. Or, have a major life change that brings with it the possibility of much, much more. Which would it be?

I knew what they wanted to hear, so begrudgingly said the latter. But truthfully, at that time, I think I was so desperate to not be alone, I’d have taken the former.

I’ve realised now, I was alone anyway, but at that time I still believed that if I could just be awesome enough, the ex would change his treatment of me. There’s some unhealthy mental and emotional shit!

The things is, people show and tell you who they are – believe them – what they’re offering is what you’ll get.

I need to get it set in the bedrock of my thinking – if what someone is offering doesn’t match what I’m seeking, move on. Don’t try to get them to change, to see the ‘error of their ways’; if they don’t have it within them to offer willingly what I’m asking for, it’s not my job to try to cajole it out of them.

Equally, I need to get it bedded into the core of my being that the answer to someone wanting me to change who and what I am, is to stand tall and proud, declare this is me, then show them to the door.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about only accepting flawless, perfect people (how bloody annoying would such a person be?!), or expecting others to see me as such; differences in love language, attachment styles etc. can be negotiated and compromised on if both parties are willingly looking to do that.

However, if, at a fundamental level, the flow is not free and willing, and especially if the entire responsibility for relationship happiness is landing on my toes, walking away is the only option. Sooner, rather than later.

It may only be a baby step, but facing the truth of what’s going on with Kieran, and taking appropriate action, took me around four months; I compare that to the 20 years of inaction regarding the ex and quietly celebrate the personal growth and forward movement.

Regarding my second common factor – the fear of being alone: my journey so far this year has taught me that it’s better to be alone and lonely, as you can then choose to do something about it.

The loneliness of being in a relationship with someone who treats you with contempt and disregard is far, far worse.

And if someone treats you with contempt and disregard, that’s how they feel about you. It really is. So just walk away.

If I keep anyone in my life who doesn’t enhance it, I’m letting them take up the space that could be filled with experiences that are far more giving and positive.

I deserve much, much more than I’ve been willing to settle for; I won’t settle for less than I deserve in the future.

MUSIC OF THE DAY: You’re Gonna Go Far Kid – The Offspring

JP