Oughts And Shoulds v. Needs And Wants

04/07/24

Well, my dear Diary, I’m writing much earlier in the day than I would normally. I need you to help me thrash out a mental fight I have going on.

So, I woke up this morning with a fist of anxiety clutching my stomach. No conscious reason, just that awful, dragging sense of dread and fear.

After laying in bed for a while, quietly resenting the stress feelings, I made myself get up, brush my teeth, flatten my hair and eat some breakfast.

I didn’t feel any better.

As luck would have it, I was booked into a morning Frazzled Café session. As ever, the mindfulness practice at the start and end helped to ground me somewhat, and I came away feeling supported, heard and cared for.

But still with anxiety/dread floating around my body.

It was while I was sitting on the edge of my bed, glumly looking at the decorating clothes I needed to put on so I could continue with bathroom and toilet renovations, when I finally got hold of the thread that’s causing the knotted feeling in my belly.

It’s the fight between ‘should’ and ‘need’.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I struggle a fair bit with self-care – good selfish vs. bad selfish.

I see the root of this in a childhood where adults always gave precedence to what I ought to be doing over what I might need, or want, to do for myself. I fully absorbed the story that any attempts at self-care and personal boundaries indicated my utter selfishness, self-indulgence and lack of care for others.

It’s one thing to recognise something but quite another to change it, hence today’s anxiety belly.

Do I continue painting, as I ‘ought’ to?

This is becoming particularly pressing, as winter is fast approaching and I need to get renovations complete enough for carpet can be put down. I’d really rather not have another winter freezing to death in a draughty wreck of a house.

Or, do I go with my inner wishes and stay in my pyjamas all day?

I feel like I need to write, listen to some therapy podcasts, play inane games on my phone, tend to my poor, dry, work damaged hands, waft around the garden, nap…

Or is that just me being irresponsible? Wanting to play before doing any work?

See? It’s hard when you know your baseline for judging these things has been at the wrong setting, but you’re not sure how to reprogram it.

Well lovely Diary, once again you’ve helped me wrangle through a problem.

I stepped away and made a cup of tea. Then I re-read what I wrote above, but this time, really listening to my gut. It tells me to sod the decorating – one more day won’t make any difference in the grand scheme of tasks to be done.

Equally importantly, my rational, grown-up brain has had a chance to kick in.

I work, hard, five days per week to earn my wages.

I come home and frequently do more work around the house for a few hours before finally stopping and sitting down.

Since May, my days off have been almost entirely devoted to cleaning, clearing, repairing, creating, improving, reclaiming my house and garden.

I have no practical help at all with any of the home renovations and am having to learn new skills and tackle jobs I’ve never done before.

I’m seeing good results from my determination to be a Woman Who Can, but damn, but it takes its toll on my body.

On top of all the physical and practical stuff, I’m continuing to thrash my way through my mess of emotions around my childhood, past relationships, and current traumas with family.

The seeking answers and refusal to allow myself to avoid painful issues is almost relentless in its determined forward march.

It’s quite tiring.

So, the voice that belongs to past ghosts can shut the fuck up – I damn well have done the work and I’ve earned the right to ‘play’ today.

More importantly, the voice can shut the fuck up because its point is based on a false premise.

I don’t need to earn the right to take care of my own wellbeing and put myself first when I need to – that is my right because I exist.

For some reason, writing this has reminded me of a little wall sign I had, many years ago. It read:

I AM WOMAN

I AM INVINCIBLE

I AM TIRED

That’s about right!

Final note: with the decision made to prioritise self-care, the anxiety knot is already loosening.

JP