Knickerless Nancy

18/06/24

Last night I had a wardrobe tantrum and threw away all my lingerie and nightwear.

I’m not entirely sure what prompted it.

I was laying in bed, nearly asleep, when all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I didn’t want to own any of that kinda personal stuff if EH had seen it.

After 20 years he’d seen all of it, so all of it had to go.

Dumping it in the outside bin at 3am felt great. Decision made and job done.

This morning I encountered a slight problem – no knicks!

I’ve put in an order for a rush delivery, which should arrive tomorrow morning. Fortunately I don’t have to leave the house today, so in the meantime my modesty will be protected.

I know, I know, I could go commando, no one would know except me. A few years ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but it seems wrong at my age.

And now I’ve written that out, I’m questioning the whole concept of age appropriate knickerlessness.

For fuck’s sake, is there a single aspect of my life and behaviour that I haven’t come to doubt and question?

Anyway, getting back to the point, having ditched all the undies last night, I felt the urge to continue with the wardrobe clearance today.

Turns out I probably need a lot less storage space than I’d thought.

Some stuff is good enough quality to sell, a few bits are donatable, the rest has been consciously (and with relish) hurled into the bin. I don’t need to be reminded of this or that event involving EH every single time I open the wardrobe.

It’s not that it hurts in an ‘I lost him’ sort of a way, more that it hurts to be reminded how much of the last 20 years was basically a lie.

To me, lies and liars undermine the fabric of everything and are therefore hateful creatures.

I don’t need to drape myself in mementos of the biggest liar I ever allowed into my life.

Anyway, it’s a great opportunity to really think about my clothing, my ‘image’, what I like, what I need, what I want…

Given that my funds are limited, purchases will need to be soundly thought out. No impulse buying.

I wonder, when people talk about divorce being expensive, does that include the cost of a new wardrobe of clothes?

Honestly though, the value of this emotional decluttering can’t really be put into financial terms.

It’s been another stride forward on the recovery journey – another small part of self and soul reclaimed.

JP