One Single Year Of My Adult Life

04/06/24

I was sitting in the garden, cup of tea in hand, practicing some mindfulness. My mind wandered.

I suddenly realised I use relationships to date my life – Oh, that was when I was with Blurb, so it must have been 1996.

Then, as it often does when I’m trying to relax, meditate, or fall asleep, my ever ‘helpful’, weird brain decided I needed to do some mental arithmetic.

I worked out that age 17, I moved in with a boyfriend for the first time. I’ve subsequently spent just under 37 years either in a heavily committed relationship, living with someone, or married.

That means I’ve had just over a year, as an adult, where it’s been solely about me.

Except it wasn’t. It wasn’t a single block of time – it was a month here, a couple of months there – and, although I can’t remember much of the specifics of those periods, that time was undoubtedly spent working out how to get the next guy.

I’m so shocked. One year. I’m 55. Fuck me.

That’s not happening any more.

It’s not that I’m saying I’ll never be in another relationship; I know myself and my sex drive too well to kid myself that way; but I am saying I’m not going to make it my sole life ambition ever again.

I’m also not going to waste time in unhealthy relationships. Never again will I subsume myself in an effort to make someone else happy. Let’s face it, it’s been a losing game for me anyway. I change, squash, hide, deny, all these parts of myself to make someone else happy, to make them stay with me; they’re still not happy, end up leaving, and in the meantime I’ve become reduced in every way.

When the ex left I realised I wasn’t actually sure anymore which were my favourite foods, music genres, films – I’d got so used to opting for what I felt would make him happiest that I’m genuinely having to work out what I like. That’s insane.

This is probably supremely obvious to most people, but I’ve only just consciously worked it out – if I engage with relationships by just being my true and authentic self, those who like me will stick around. Those who might want me, if only I’d change this, that or the other, can move on or be moved on.

That way, both parties are likely to end up happy and fulfilled.

Ta-da! Revelation!

Clearly my ability to be my authentic self relies on me fully understanding the roots and reasons for certain long held behaviours. Then acquiring the tools so I can resolve those issues. Then putting healthier ways in their place.

Working on all of that.

After that, I know I need to work on embedding it so firmly within my psyche that nothing and no-one can budge that internal core of peace, self-love and certainty.

Then, and only then, should I entertain the idea of any kind of intimate relationship.

So, looks like I’m going to be single for a while. And right now, that’s just fine with me.

JP