Lying Through Omission

15/05/24

I don’t know why I let this shit hurt me any more; I really should know better than to expect any kind of straightforwardness from the prick who is the ex.

Despite being on the phone to me the other day, and the whole conversation we had about it being hurtful for me to not be directly informed about changes of stance on fundamental issues, he still omitted to mention some fairly radical plans and changes going on for him.

Now fair enough, it’s technically none of my business, but he’s still not told me point blank that the marriage is done, (although being comfortable with letting work colleagues know he left is a big fucking hint), and I’m still stupidly, partially in the emotional limbo of him ‘needing space’ and wanting to try being friends first. Therefore, I feel common decency dictates that he prioritise telling me personally that he’s going ahead, alone, to get the fucking narrowboat that was supposed to be our future plan together. I should not have to hear it via Kieran, who heard it via Nicola.

I messaged him to have it confirmed, which he did, casually pleased with himself. It was extra painful because he took the conversation down the route of, “If we’d bought the house we could have been off and away, debt free”, but with the flavour of blame, not regret. The blame got more overt as the texts continued.

He also casually chucks in that he ‘loves the grandkids to bits’ but as he’s not planning to be around much longer, Nicola has said he should probably just not bother to see them at all.

I suggested he ask her if they could establish regular video calls, starting now, and then they could enjoy his canal adventures with him, even said I’d sit with him to help explain the situation between us. Honestly, I was quite surprised he hadn’t thought of it himself, but he seemed up for the idea so I have fingers crossed that the grandchildren don’t have to lose him and vice versa.

I’m trying not to be hurt that he’s doing ‘our’ adventure, solo. I’m trying not to dwell on the fact that for him, my presence was in no way a necessity to fulfil his dream.

I’m trying to retrain myself to no longer seek any emotional sustenance from him, and to accept what everyone else already does – he’s done with the marriage. That fucking glimmer just won’t die though.

He said he understands it would be kinder to tell me these things himself, and that he’ll do so in future.

A small portion of me wants to believe in him; the larger portion continues to recognise that he’s a deceitful, selfish prick who will say anything that suits him at the time.

JP