Inappropriate Happiness

13/05/24

For all I’m learning and recognising, for all the justifiable anger towards him that’s starting to surface, I still feel the giddy teenager rise in me when he calls.

He phoned, as he was on is way back from work. It didn’t seem to be about anything, just chin-wagging, like friends do, and it was mostly easy, and it made me feel happy.

There was one awkward bit where I said something, semi joking, about him probably seeing someone else already, and there was silence. I reacted a bit badly and huffily said I’d take his silence as acknowledgement of truth. He got kinda ratty, and asked why I was saying things like that, he’d just been listening to me and letting me continue with what I was saying. I felt bad for having jumped into the silence with an accusation, but I think I managed to smooth it over.

Right at the end he asked me if we can be friends – not just people who are civilised when they have to discuss paperwork, but him dropping round for a coffee, a chat, to see the garden… I managed to prevent myself from blurting out, “My god yes, if it keeps you in my life”, and simply stuttered out “OK”.

I do find it annoying that I still get a mini high from contact with him, even though he’s literally only just demonstrated to me that he’s not changed his thinking or behaviour at all.

Even knowing that, even having started to see how things have really been between us, I still cling to the miniscule hope for change and reconciliation. I still get all aflutter cos he was friendly, so I’ve not changed that much, and probably shouldn’t be throwing stones whilst standing in this glass house.

I have changed a bit, because I can stop and examine the feelings his call has promoted, but I’ve got a lot of separating to do and independence to find.

I know I get drawn in because I’m still not devoid of hope; stupid but the little ember is still there.

I’m mostly able to stop the urge to say or do things directly to him (that I know I’ll later regret), by reminding myself of the addictive aspect to this relationship; during withdrawal you crave your substance, and he is mine.

I’ll continue the path of abstinence (insofar as I will not contact him first; I’m still not ready to block, so will reply, in circumspect fashion, if he contacts me). I will continue to ride the waves of nausea, the confusion and wild emotional swings because I know it’s part of the detox and withdrawal from him.

I will reach wholeness and peace, one teeny step at a time.

Bloody hell, I’m knackered.

JP