In My Own Best Interests

11/05/24

When EH first left, he told me he wasn’t going to tell people at work – emotionally, things were up in the air for him, and he didn’t want colleagues getting involved.

In order to respect his wishes I’ve distanced myself from a friend (Holly), previously a colleague, who still works at the same place as him. Today, I decided enough was enough.

I need all the support I can get through this process, and Holly is one of those truly staunch, ferocious, got-your-back type of friends that I very much need around.

Quite apart from that, the more time that passes without me telling her what’s going on, the more at risk our friendship becomes – it looks like I don’t trust her.

So I sent her a message, explaining the situation.

Thankfully, she understands my motivations, albeit she was very clear that he doesn’t deserve such loyalty from me.

It turns out, he’s already been telling people we’ve split up.

He never bothered to inform me of this change of stance, and when I challenged him about it later, via text, his response was very much a shrugging, “I had to, people kept asking about you.“

No recognition of any damage he may have caused. Always finding new inventive ways to hurt me.

Bastard!

I think I’m cross with myself as much as anything.

How can I still be hurt and disappointed by his treatment of me? Nothing changed in twenty years of marriage, it’s madness to expect better from him now.

Contacting Holly proved to be very cathartic. I was able to gain some vicarious pleasure through her free expressions of anger towards him and his treatment of me.

She also made a comment that really had a ring of truth: she suggested that his real reason for not telling people at work sooner is that he knew they’d be disgusted with him, ‘on my side’, as it were.

As Holly said, telling people ‘we split up’, some five months after the event, puts a very different aspect on things than if he told the truth from the get-go.

‘We split up’ sounds far more mutually decided than the honest, “I lied to my wife for months, and all over Christmas I was secretly arranging to leave her. I walked out on new year’s day while she was at work.“

I foresee a few work gossips being set straight by Holly in the very near future. Her loyalty warms my heart, as does knowing there are others I used to work with who continue to hold me in high regard. It was wonderfully affirming to essentially hear that I am loved; one unpleasant man leaving my life doesn’t alter that, or somehow make me unlovable.

Within all this there is healing and growth. It was recognition that I was still putting his needs ahead of mine that lead to me reaching out to Holly. That’s actually a pretty major step for me.

I was able to maintain calm, and the appearance of distance, during my text exchange with him. I flatly pointed out that how he’d behaved was extremely disrespectful and inconsiderate, but wasn’t looking for any kind of emotional support or feedback from him.

Good job, because it wasn’t there.

For me, a massive part of this journey is learning to trust myself, to believe the truths in front of me, and to let go of false ideas of future potential and promise.

I must practice prioritising self-care and healthier self-talk.

I did some of all of it today, so that’s good.

JP