Dig Deeper Woman

24/02/24

I can’t just keep coming home from work and crying and feeling lost.

I can’t spend every evening on the phone, exhausting people with my trauma and tears.

I have to find some personal resources to help me get through all this.

I can’t afford a therapist, although lord knows I need one, so I guess I’m going to have to rely on self help books for that side of things.

I’ve dug out a couple that were passed on to me by a frugal friend, quite some time ago. These are The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, and Everything is F*cked, both by the same guy, Mark Manson.

I also discovered, on my bookcase, a copy of Badass Affirmations: The Wit and Wisdom of Wild Women, by Becca Anderson.

At this stage I couldn’t say if there’s anything useful within any of them.

Given my history of being an avid and voracious reader, it’s quite disturbing to find I now can’t concentrate sufficiently to read beyond two paragraphs.

I could really do with some human to human guidance.

I find myself deeply yearning for the comfort of a long defunct site/forum called 43Things, where I was once an active, and grateful, participant in an astounding community. I want to run to the arms of that community. I miss them all so much, now more than ever.

The global nature of the community meant no matter the time, there would always be someone on there to reach out to.

They would have supported, guided, encouraged me. Directed me to relevant resources. Held me close and made sure I was never alone if I didn’t want to be.

I’ve never found anything remotely close to it since, but by Christ, I could do with finding a replacement to help me find a way.

The continued absent appetite and almost constant nausea, are far from beneficial to my mental and emotional state.

I’m hoping that continuing to keep some structure to my evenings, and sticking with the new exercise and vitamin supplement regime, will promote some sense of achievement. Maybe even some positivity and a sense of increased well being?

The all knowing ‘they’ say it should give me those things.

Right now it feels like I’m going through the motions, getting no feel good factor, just ticking off a to do list so I can’t hate myself for not doing it.

I suppose, if you squint really hard at that last sentence, there’s a little win: I’m actively avoiding reasons to hate myself.

Better than nothing.

JP