Anger, Come To Me, Please

18/02/24 

I keep waiting for the anger to kick in but all I feel is soul crushing sadness.   

I know things weren’t 100% right between us, but they weren’t 100% bad either. 

I never stopped believing that we’d find a way, that we’d round a corner and begin to make it better. 

I didn’t think he’d rip us apart. 

I miss him. 

There’s emotional stuff bubbling up in me that I so desperately want to share with him – realisations, confusions, questions. But I can’t talk to him about any of it because he doesn’t want to deal with my pushy, demanding neediness. 

So, I have to write it here and hope that it somehow helps. 

Amongst the things I want to know: why did he initiated sex on that last night? Why did he held me so tight all night long as he slept and I silently wept, unable to believe he was really, actually, fully, going to leave. 

Why did he send the text telling me he still loved me on the day he left?  Was it promoted by guilt or was it real? 

Is he choosing to not want me now because it’s easier than dealing with all the grief and trauma and issues, or did he just not really want me anyway? 

Why did he not let me in?  He said he wanted closeness then held me at bay. 

I know I hurt him with some horrible words and behaviours, but he hurt me too. 

Why couldn’t he work with me to sort things? 

So many times, I said to him that he was treating me like the enemy when I was trying to be an ally. He always denied it was that way. 

It makes me so, so sad to look at all the times we could have moved towards each other but our hurt and fear prevented it. 

We could have, should have, been the support each of us needed, but we didn’t know how and now it’s too late. 

Is it too late?  Some days my brain tells me that I must accept it is, but my heart breaks a bit more and refuses to let go. 

Other days my mind is fixated on that tiny, slimmest of chances that he might miss me, that he might see what we could be if given a proper chance. 

There’s this ridiculous glimmer of hope inside me that we can come together as better, stronger people, and rebuild ‘us’ better and stronger. 

Some days that glimmer keeps me going, other days the absence of the glimmer almost breaks me.

Deep in my truest place, I know the glimmer is a lie, but at the moment I want to believe it.

JP