Regrets, I Have A Few

12/02/24 

I failed to hold back the urge to message him, and as previously predicted, I regret it. 

I’m glad I let him know I care about what’s happening for him, but I’m not glad the abrupt, delayed responses from him left me feeling hollow and as if I’d been intruding on something. 

It’s stupid of me to hope for anything from him.

It’s hard to give a clearer indication of ceased love than moving out of the marital home. 

He doesn’t want to share his life with me. 

I can’t help myself though; it’s like crumbs to a starving person – any tiny bit he gives is something, even if it’s a few brief words in a text. 

I never knew I was this needy.  Needy is not an attractive trait. 

Why the fuck can’t I sort myself out? 

Why can’t I find true self love and acceptance? 

How do I cleanse these feelings of rejection, of being so lacking in goodness, so insufficient? 

I’m not actually blaming him for rejecting me; he only responded to what he saw in me and that can’t have been good or else he wouldn’t have gone. 

I wanted to be his everything, instead I’m nothing to him. 

I think if he does feel anything at all for me, it’s probably pity, which is horrible. 

I don’t want his pity; I want his love and his desire. 

JP