Cheated

04/02/24 

It’s been a month now since the EH left and it’s not getting any easier. 

In fact, it feels like it’s getting worse. 

I started with all this determination to utilise the time apart in a way that makes me more, rather than letting it all diminish me even further.

I miss him so much and the pain just keeps on growing.   It’s hard to stay motivated. 

I feel cheated that he didn’t try, didn’t fight for us even though one of his earliest unprompted promises to me was that he would always fight for me. 

Instead, he harboured resentments, built up grudges against me in his head. 

He didn’t reach out towards me. He went further and further away, shutting off, closing me out, so nothing I said or did made any difference.   

I feel cheated of my future. 

All those things we said we’d do – buying the house, getting a narrow boat, hauling ass out of this shitty city.

The talk of seeing the Northern Lights, Pompeii, lakes, mountains, ruins, stars, sunsets – all of it has crumbled to dust and I’m struggling to see a way through the rubble left behind. 

He’s moved out into some fresh new space, to shake me off and begin anew. 

I can’t do that.

I’m stuck here, living alone, in the ruins of what was once our life together. 

JP